The chapter of my life as documented in this blog has closed. But I will continue documenting at this new home:
www.brightblueday.blogspot.com
2 years ago
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Some themes from my Twitter:
- Anti- republican rhetoric
- Commentary on the current weather
- wistful thoughts about music and nature
- College oddities
- Political thoughts as they pertain to the classes I am in.
It makes me smile that people actually want to befriend me after all of this.
- Anti- republican rhetoric
- Commentary on the current weather
- wistful thoughts about music and nature
- College oddities
- Political thoughts as they pertain to the classes I am in.
It makes me smile that people actually want to befriend me after all of this.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
One More Season
After this summer I am transferring to a local college in the Philadelphia area. I've been having a hard time with this decision, because in essence, I have to return to the small town where I grew up.
When I started this blog in September, it was so I would have a place to put my thoughts about my anxiety. Of course, through the year the worst of it never made its way onto here, because I was having a hard enough time living with it. Having to read about it or allow the few people who read this blog AND know me in reality understand the true extent of the issue just seemed like too much to deal with, on top of everything else. It still is.
My anxiety has basically made it impossible for me to function when I am in the New York area. There were days where I just wouldn't go to class, because having to get out of bed just felt like too much to deal with. I come home every weekend because most of the time its the only time I can relax enough to feel semi-normal. My body needs the two or three day rest from the ridiculous amount of stress and panic I put it through during the week.
Because of this, I applied to a local college as a commuter student. Not that I am largely opposed to dorming, but because the original consideration towards this transfer was to make the college expenses easier to handle.
I am disappointed that I'm going to have to live at home. Of course, I miss my family and my friends and I enjoy myself here immensely. But living by my own schedule, worrying about feeding myself and buying my own groceries and learning how to cook using a microwave and how to unclog a sink and clean bathrooms and make a schedule and take public transportation- these are all things that I got to feel good at. I got a taste of living by myself. And the realization that I'm going to have to move back to my childhood bedroom under my parent's roof, as great as my parents are, is frustrating. The realization that I have to do this because of my own personal weakness and mental illness is even more crushing, because I feel as if I should have seen it coming.
Of course, by moving back home I'll be able to find a steady job, and use the closeness and consistency of Philadelphia to my advantage. Hopefully within a few years I will have saved up enough money to move out (because the original plan has fallen flat) and I'll manage to live nearby, and re-obtain the ability to take care of myself.
Until then, I have to work on this new issue. I have to learn to live with an anxiety that has the ability to disrupt my daily life. Moving back home and transferring feels like I'm giving up right now, but I have to be honest to myself and recognize that graduating is more important than taking the next six years to attempt to get an education while I battle with myself. Its a shitty realization, but there isn't all that much that I can realistically do about it.
When I started this blog in September, it was so I would have a place to put my thoughts about my anxiety. Of course, through the year the worst of it never made its way onto here, because I was having a hard enough time living with it. Having to read about it or allow the few people who read this blog AND know me in reality understand the true extent of the issue just seemed like too much to deal with, on top of everything else. It still is.
My anxiety has basically made it impossible for me to function when I am in the New York area. There were days where I just wouldn't go to class, because having to get out of bed just felt like too much to deal with. I come home every weekend because most of the time its the only time I can relax enough to feel semi-normal. My body needs the two or three day rest from the ridiculous amount of stress and panic I put it through during the week.
Because of this, I applied to a local college as a commuter student. Not that I am largely opposed to dorming, but because the original consideration towards this transfer was to make the college expenses easier to handle.
I am disappointed that I'm going to have to live at home. Of course, I miss my family and my friends and I enjoy myself here immensely. But living by my own schedule, worrying about feeding myself and buying my own groceries and learning how to cook using a microwave and how to unclog a sink and clean bathrooms and make a schedule and take public transportation- these are all things that I got to feel good at. I got a taste of living by myself. And the realization that I'm going to have to move back to my childhood bedroom under my parent's roof, as great as my parents are, is frustrating. The realization that I have to do this because of my own personal weakness and mental illness is even more crushing, because I feel as if I should have seen it coming.
Of course, by moving back home I'll be able to find a steady job, and use the closeness and consistency of Philadelphia to my advantage. Hopefully within a few years I will have saved up enough money to move out (because the original plan has fallen flat) and I'll manage to live nearby, and re-obtain the ability to take care of myself.
Until then, I have to work on this new issue. I have to learn to live with an anxiety that has the ability to disrupt my daily life. Moving back home and transferring feels like I'm giving up right now, but I have to be honest to myself and recognize that graduating is more important than taking the next six years to attempt to get an education while I battle with myself. Its a shitty realization, but there isn't all that much that I can realistically do about it.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
A Drama
Scene Opens: I'm standing in the dining hall by the toast maker. I have a plate of bacon on the counter, because I wanted more, and then decided that I wanted toast too. Once again, my toast didn't come out of the toaster, because someones bagels are stuck at the top of the shaft. Enter M, who asks me what happened.
Me: "Someones bagels are stuck, so my toast didn't come out."
M: "Oops, those are mine!"
He then proceeds to whirl around me with his tray, effectively propelling his potatoes all over the floor.
M: "Look what you made me do!" He says, with sarcasm.
Me: "Oh, sorry." I say, aware that he's kidding and more occupied with retrieving my toast from the 3-million degree machine of fiery metal than this kid's chit-chat methods.
M: "I'm not reaching up there. Its hot." He says this as he reaches into the toaster. I watch, because breakfast theatre is hard to come by these days. That and I really want my damn toast.
He gets his bagels, dragging them down the shaft using my toast. When they land on the serving portion of the tray, he picks up his bagels, and puts them on my plate. Then he stands there, confused, because obviously what is on my plate is not what was on his, and he is trying to figure out the exchange rate of growth from eggs into bacon.
M: "This is your plate."
Me: "Yeah."
He slides his bagels onto his own plate. Then he turns to the toaster, where my cinnamon-raisin toast awaits. Then he touches the toast and somehow manages to flip a piece onto the floor. I pick it up, and throw it away. As I go, he calls after me.
M: "You deserved that!"
I laugh because really, its too early for this breakfast insanity. I put new, untouched pieces of bread in the toaster, get my toast, and return to the table where my roommate is eating french toast sticks.
Roommate: "I saw you flirting with that guy!"
Me: "I wasn't flirting!"
Roommate: "Sure."
Me: "Yeah, the wedding is in six months. Let me tell ya!"
We joke for a few minutes about stupid shit, until a voice at the table behind us grabs our attention. Its Bagel boy, what a shock.
M: "Man, I hate sitting alone!" He says this while looking at us.
Me: "Then sit here." I told him, not particularly caring about the outcome but deciding that he would be talking incessantly to us ANYWAY. And it would be easier to eat if he was doing so NEXT to us.
M: "But then I'd have to move!" He complains, while he picks up his tray and slides in next to me. "I usually sit with random people, but its easier to do at round tables, not square ones like these. I would have had to squeeze past you without permission and it would have been weird."
An hour passes. The conversation ranges from weird, to awkward, to hilarious and outrageous. He's either trying intensely hard to impress us, or he really is irrevocably odd. I swear that I've heard some of the things he's saying before, and at one point I realize he's quoting almost directly from Demetri Martin. But when he's called out on it, he seems more excited that we recognized it than ashamed at being pegged for unoriginal.
It was a weird breakfast.
Me: "Someones bagels are stuck, so my toast didn't come out."
M: "Oops, those are mine!"
He then proceeds to whirl around me with his tray, effectively propelling his potatoes all over the floor.
M: "Look what you made me do!" He says, with sarcasm.
Me: "Oh, sorry." I say, aware that he's kidding and more occupied with retrieving my toast from the 3-million degree machine of fiery metal than this kid's chit-chat methods.
M: "I'm not reaching up there. Its hot." He says this as he reaches into the toaster. I watch, because breakfast theatre is hard to come by these days. That and I really want my damn toast.
He gets his bagels, dragging them down the shaft using my toast. When they land on the serving portion of the tray, he picks up his bagels, and puts them on my plate. Then he stands there, confused, because obviously what is on my plate is not what was on his, and he is trying to figure out the exchange rate of growth from eggs into bacon.
M: "This is your plate."
Me: "Yeah."
He slides his bagels onto his own plate. Then he turns to the toaster, where my cinnamon-raisin toast awaits. Then he touches the toast and somehow manages to flip a piece onto the floor. I pick it up, and throw it away. As I go, he calls after me.
M: "You deserved that!"
I laugh because really, its too early for this breakfast insanity. I put new, untouched pieces of bread in the toaster, get my toast, and return to the table where my roommate is eating french toast sticks.
Roommate: "I saw you flirting with that guy!"
Me: "I wasn't flirting!"
Roommate: "Sure."
Me: "Yeah, the wedding is in six months. Let me tell ya!"
We joke for a few minutes about stupid shit, until a voice at the table behind us grabs our attention. Its Bagel boy, what a shock.
M: "Man, I hate sitting alone!" He says this while looking at us.
Me: "Then sit here." I told him, not particularly caring about the outcome but deciding that he would be talking incessantly to us ANYWAY. And it would be easier to eat if he was doing so NEXT to us.
M: "But then I'd have to move!" He complains, while he picks up his tray and slides in next to me. "I usually sit with random people, but its easier to do at round tables, not square ones like these. I would have had to squeeze past you without permission and it would have been weird."
An hour passes. The conversation ranges from weird, to awkward, to hilarious and outrageous. He's either trying intensely hard to impress us, or he really is irrevocably odd. I swear that I've heard some of the things he's saying before, and at one point I realize he's quoting almost directly from Demetri Martin. But when he's called out on it, he seems more excited that we recognized it than ashamed at being pegged for unoriginal.
It was a weird breakfast.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
And The Slow Ascention To Sanity Commences
Hey y'all! Sorry for the prolonged absence. After the medical debacle, I sorta lost my grip on sanity and have henceforth spent the last two weeks in an anxiety and stress-ridden state of panic which if discovered by the media might actually indicate that I should be studied. Last week I basically cried and curled up into a ball and decided that...you know what? 18 is a good, ripe age, and its totally okay if I die in the fetal position on my bed. Then I saw my therapist. He informed me, as kindly as possible, that this opinion wasn't really valid. Then I grew up.
I could probably say that literally, too...because this weekend was my birthday. In February I decided that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. This failed. Somehow I managed to get my panic-ridden ass on a train to my friend JK's college. There, her and K and Sheryl threw a party for me. Really, they did! They bought me dinner and balloons and decorated and they even got a ColdStones cake! JK and I completed the fifth year of a Birthday Tradition we have and watched intense movies. I spent two and a half days hanging out with some of the coolest people I've ever met, walking in the amazing sunlight among anciently beautiful buildings and eating way more junkfood than should be legal. I even got to go thrift shopping, which is a secret passion of mine that rarely if ever gets exercised.
My actual birthday- which was Saturday- was almost completely uneventful. I took the train the rest of the way home, ate some delicious cupcakes that my mom made me, and took a four hour nap on my favorite couch with my cat laying next to me. My momma made me my favorite dinner, we watched Oprah (not a typical practice for me, but she was excited about a Justin Timberlake interview that she had DVR'd). Later I went to Wyoming's house to hang out with her and Dayton.
By Sunday I was starting to feel the panic of having to go back to college come back. I woke up at 7:45 with a panic attack. It passed, I went back to sleep, then went to Wyoming's. She threw me a party with plenty of Dew and a beautiful cake. Then we went mini golfing (slash bowling, hockey, pool, soccer).
So this past weekend was amazing. I was able to come back to school with a better and healthier sense of self and while I am far from perfect, I at least am able to take the occasionally deep breath and even relax, once in a blue moon!
I'll try to write more in the coming days, but really I'm just trying to hold it all together for the next six weeks until I can get home with grades good enough that I can transfer to my new college without drama.
Some things coming up in the next few weeks:
The birthday of my brother, whose gonna be 16. Woah!
A tour of a local Museum for a project. I <3 museums
NYC Picnic! Woot!
I could probably say that literally, too...because this weekend was my birthday. In February I decided that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. This failed. Somehow I managed to get my panic-ridden ass on a train to my friend JK's college. There, her and K and Sheryl threw a party for me. Really, they did! They bought me dinner and balloons and decorated and they even got a ColdStones cake! JK and I completed the fifth year of a Birthday Tradition we have and watched intense movies. I spent two and a half days hanging out with some of the coolest people I've ever met, walking in the amazing sunlight among anciently beautiful buildings and eating way more junkfood than should be legal. I even got to go thrift shopping, which is a secret passion of mine that rarely if ever gets exercised.
My actual birthday- which was Saturday- was almost completely uneventful. I took the train the rest of the way home, ate some delicious cupcakes that my mom made me, and took a four hour nap on my favorite couch with my cat laying next to me. My momma made me my favorite dinner, we watched Oprah (not a typical practice for me, but she was excited about a Justin Timberlake interview that she had DVR'd). Later I went to Wyoming's house to hang out with her and Dayton.
By Sunday I was starting to feel the panic of having to go back to college come back. I woke up at 7:45 with a panic attack. It passed, I went back to sleep, then went to Wyoming's. She threw me a party with plenty of Dew and a beautiful cake. Then we went mini golfing (slash bowling, hockey, pool, soccer).
So this past weekend was amazing. I was able to come back to school with a better and healthier sense of self and while I am far from perfect, I at least am able to take the occasionally deep breath and even relax, once in a blue moon!
I'll try to write more in the coming days, but really I'm just trying to hold it all together for the next six weeks until I can get home with grades good enough that I can transfer to my new college without drama.
Some things coming up in the next few weeks:
The birthday of my brother, whose gonna be 16. Woah!
A tour of a local Museum for a project. I <3 museums
NYC Picnic! Woot!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Boys
The pros of hanging out with guys:
- The movie choices are infinitely better
- No one cries when everyone hangs out.
- I don't feel the need to wear eyeliner to go out with them.
- They hold doors for you, like hardcore. Its adorable.
- You can poke, prod, pull their hair, kick, and tickle them all you want, just so long as Resident Evil V is on the TV screen and there's a remote control in their hands. (Depending on the group, this may also work with Halo, DBZ, or Kiera Knightly).
- Guys usually listen to great music, and sometimes, if you're really nice, they'll let you pick the tunes for the evening! (I am particularly blessed, because the guys I know actually let me play the occasional show tune).
- They tell each other when they smell. Seriously, how great is that?
- Free flow of sarcasm.
- When you mention some sort of change (like weight loss or a haircut) they'll often jump in and comment on said change, even if they probably had no idea or couldn't tell.
Granted, I may just be really, really lucky and know some really awesome guys! I've been lucky in that I've been able to hang out with almost everyone four or five times over break (illness aside).
- The movie choices are infinitely better
- No one cries when everyone hangs out.
- I don't feel the need to wear eyeliner to go out with them.
- They hold doors for you, like hardcore. Its adorable.
- You can poke, prod, pull their hair, kick, and tickle them all you want, just so long as Resident Evil V is on the TV screen and there's a remote control in their hands. (Depending on the group, this may also work with Halo, DBZ, or Kiera Knightly).
- Guys usually listen to great music, and sometimes, if you're really nice, they'll let you pick the tunes for the evening! (I am particularly blessed, because the guys I know actually let me play the occasional show tune).
- They tell each other when they smell. Seriously, how great is that?
- Free flow of sarcasm.
- When you mention some sort of change (like weight loss or a haircut) they'll often jump in and comment on said change, even if they probably had no idea or couldn't tell.
Granted, I may just be really, really lucky and know some really awesome guys! I've been lucky in that I've been able to hang out with almost everyone four or five times over break (illness aside).
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Today
Illness aside, I'm trying to have a semi-normal Spring break. Its been kind of hard to do, because of various reasons, but I'm trying. Since I don't actually know whats wrong with me its sort of being taken on a day-by-day basis. Today I woke up not feeling so great, a sentiment which maintained itself all through the afternoon and clear into the nighttime. But I had a quadruple semi-birthday celebration tonight with some of my guy friends. It was basically an excuse to order some Chinese food and eat cake, which we took advantage of. Then we got bored and went to Walmart, because when you live in Jersey nothing is open on Sundays past nine, except for Walmart. So we squeezed into a car and drove over, and we spent an hour and a half wandering the shelves. Unfortunately I was kinda shaky because I drank an extraordinary amount of black coffee on an empty stomach this afternoon, and my ability to function was somewhat diminished. Eventually we left (me in a very dizzy, giggly form of exhaustion) and we all went our seperate ways around 11. But because I really can't tell if I'm gonna feel well enough to see other people during the week I ended up stumbling over to Wyoming's house and watching The Office with her and Dayton for a few hours. She gave me the best, nearly inappropriate birthday card which made me giggle. I love my Birthday, even though its not for another two weeks.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
How I Know I'll Make A Good Mother.
Anyone out there who has ever spent two weeks in any sort of pain/discomfort combo understands that after awhile, the kindness stops. I mean really, it stops and threatens to never come back again. Because how can you expect me to be patient and smile when I'm considering the pros and cons of shooting a bullet right through my head? C'mon now!
So today I had my CT Scan. I went in, filled out a silly little survey and put on a mysterious paper gown with a friendly tone of voice. I even made jokes, because damnit, I was going to not make this difficult! I'm an adult, I was more than willing to suck it up and do my thing.
But I was waiting in a tiny coffin-sized room in a gown with the textile integrity of a dryer sheet while my mom stood outside when a wonderful woman named Sharon comes back with a nervous smile.
"I'm sorry, but there seems to be a problem. See, your doctor says that you could be pregnant, and so we can't run your scan until we can be sure that you're not."
A little side-note here, unless pregnancy is now an airborne disease, there is no possibility that I am pregnant. End of story. Of course, I have always had the irrational fear of being pregnant, like I would be the one person in the would who was A-sexual. But really, I'm just Bi-sexual and that's not even properly related to this story.
In a perfectly polite, composed, world I would have responded calmly "this isn't possible, my doctor is just being a complicated ass, would you like me to take a pregnancy test?" My actual response, however, went a little something like this:
"Are you kidding me? I'm not pregnant, I'm not even active! Why would I lie about something like that? My doctor is an idiot, he's an asshole, I AM NOT PREGNANT! Why would I get this test done if I were pregnant? WHO WOULD RADIATE A BABY!?!?"
Except add a few expletives and me saying over and over "I am DONE at my doctor's office. I am never going back to that hell-hole ever again, that fucking insufferable prick KNOWs I'm not pregnant, I told him four times! WHAT SORT OF PERSON WOULD BUT AN INFANT THROUGH RADIATION?!?"
And then I attempted to eat the wonderfully kind technician whose face had crumpled into panic briefly before resuming her nervous smile.
"I will be right back." She said quietly, "I'll see what I can do"
Apparently, my indigence paid off, because they believed me and I was allowed to lay on a freakishly long table while a giant donut machine groaned at me and radiated my insides. What a raving success.
Of course, between my virginity and my screaming about the horror of radiating unborn fetuses, there is an excellent chance that the treatment center thinks I may be Mormon.
So today I had my CT Scan. I went in, filled out a silly little survey and put on a mysterious paper gown with a friendly tone of voice. I even made jokes, because damnit, I was going to not make this difficult! I'm an adult, I was more than willing to suck it up and do my thing.
But I was waiting in a tiny coffin-sized room in a gown with the textile integrity of a dryer sheet while my mom stood outside when a wonderful woman named Sharon comes back with a nervous smile.
"I'm sorry, but there seems to be a problem. See, your doctor says that you could be pregnant, and so we can't run your scan until we can be sure that you're not."
A little side-note here, unless pregnancy is now an airborne disease, there is no possibility that I am pregnant. End of story. Of course, I have always had the irrational fear of being pregnant, like I would be the one person in the would who was A-sexual. But really, I'm just Bi-sexual and that's not even properly related to this story.
In a perfectly polite, composed, world I would have responded calmly "this isn't possible, my doctor is just being a complicated ass, would you like me to take a pregnancy test?" My actual response, however, went a little something like this:
"Are you kidding me? I'm not pregnant, I'm not even active! Why would I lie about something like that? My doctor is an idiot, he's an asshole, I AM NOT PREGNANT! Why would I get this test done if I were pregnant? WHO WOULD RADIATE A BABY!?!?"
Except add a few expletives and me saying over and over "I am DONE at my doctor's office. I am never going back to that hell-hole ever again, that fucking insufferable prick KNOWs I'm not pregnant, I told him four times! WHAT SORT OF PERSON WOULD BUT AN INFANT THROUGH RADIATION?!?"
And then I attempted to eat the wonderfully kind technician whose face had crumpled into panic briefly before resuming her nervous smile.
"I will be right back." She said quietly, "I'll see what I can do"
Apparently, my indigence paid off, because they believed me and I was allowed to lay on a freakishly long table while a giant donut machine groaned at me and radiated my insides. What a raving success.
Of course, between my virginity and my screaming about the horror of radiating unborn fetuses, there is an excellent chance that the treatment center thinks I may be Mormon.
Oh My Wisdom
I wrote this post an hour before I went to get my CT Scan yesterday. After reading the details of that particular adventure, it really shouldn't be surprising to anyone that these were my thoughts directly before the whole ordeal:
When I graduated I became, (lets face it), less bitchy. My friends are laughing now, 'cause they're all like... this is LESS bitchy? Please woman, be 'fo realz. But I AM 'fo realz. I was a total bitch in high school, up until the last few months. Then I Chilled.The.Fuck.Out. It was a glorious time, despite the strange looks I received every time I threw around the words "love" and "happy" and "forgiveness". I was on my way to motherfucking sainthood, and damnit it was good. I bought more shirts supporting activist causes, I started wishing people "happy birthday", and I even allowed myself to be hugged whenever anyone opened their arms. I became a hug whore. If there was a hug STD, I would have most certainly caught it and spread it around so far that it would have been a fucking Hugging STD epidemic, totally untraceable to me but would probably be guessed to originate inside of precious feral panda bears in China. 'Cause we haven't blamed China enough for things recently, and its just About Damn Time.
Anyway, with everything going on I've become a lot more cynical lately. Not towards people I know personally, of course... because part of that "less bitchy" thing was realizing that the people around me are probably the most fantastic, amazing people on this goddamn planet, and seriously...we need more people like that right now. And not towards God or Jesus or any other heavenly body, 'cause they're all really cool and I love them and they're looking out for me and I appreciate that, which I tell them 'cause Topher taught me how.
But I am noticing that the constant "give them a second chance" or "the intentions were good" or "give them the benefit of the doubt!" philosophy that I've been living under is silly. Some people are shits. They don't mean to be shits, maybe, and they aren't shits all the live-long-day... but there is definitive shittyness out there, and by ignoring that I am not accepting one of man's greatest feats. We can be cruel, terrible people and still sleep at night. I'm talking to you, Omar Al-Bashir... and your sidekick, my Doctor's office.
Excluded from these are my Friends, family, professors, roommate and her boyfriend, a wonderful woman named Wilma whose name may be given to my first born child (boy or girl), everyone my mother works with, and the people at the insurance company who despite the fact that they deal with illness and theft all day long still wished that I would feel better.
Okay, FINE, the world is still a wonderful place, with caring people and only a few assholes. But seriously, those few sure as hell ruin it for the rest of us sometimes, don't they?
When I graduated I became, (lets face it), less bitchy. My friends are laughing now, 'cause they're all like... this is LESS bitchy? Please woman, be 'fo realz. But I AM 'fo realz. I was a total bitch in high school, up until the last few months. Then I Chilled.The.Fuck.Out. It was a glorious time, despite the strange looks I received every time I threw around the words "love" and "happy" and "forgiveness". I was on my way to motherfucking sainthood, and damnit it was good. I bought more shirts supporting activist causes, I started wishing people "happy birthday", and I even allowed myself to be hugged whenever anyone opened their arms. I became a hug whore. If there was a hug STD, I would have most certainly caught it and spread it around so far that it would have been a fucking Hugging STD epidemic, totally untraceable to me but would probably be guessed to originate inside of precious feral panda bears in China. 'Cause we haven't blamed China enough for things recently, and its just About Damn Time.
Anyway, with everything going on I've become a lot more cynical lately. Not towards people I know personally, of course... because part of that "less bitchy" thing was realizing that the people around me are probably the most fantastic, amazing people on this goddamn planet, and seriously...we need more people like that right now. And not towards God or Jesus or any other heavenly body, 'cause they're all really cool and I love them and they're looking out for me and I appreciate that, which I tell them 'cause Topher taught me how.
But I am noticing that the constant "give them a second chance" or "the intentions were good" or "give them the benefit of the doubt!" philosophy that I've been living under is silly. Some people are shits. They don't mean to be shits, maybe, and they aren't shits all the live-long-day... but there is definitive shittyness out there, and by ignoring that I am not accepting one of man's greatest feats. We can be cruel, terrible people and still sleep at night. I'm talking to you, Omar Al-Bashir... and your sidekick, my Doctor's office.
Excluded from these are my Friends, family, professors, roommate and her boyfriend, a wonderful woman named Wilma whose name may be given to my first born child (boy or girl), everyone my mother works with, and the people at the insurance company who despite the fact that they deal with illness and theft all day long still wished that I would feel better.
Okay, FINE, the world is still a wonderful place, with caring people and only a few assholes. But seriously, those few sure as hell ruin it for the rest of us sometimes, don't they?
Rover?
Because of whatever Kidney issue I may or may not be having (how about a major hand in the air for mystery illnesses!) my doctor prescribed me some death capsules pain meds.
That would have been great, except for one of the side effects:
Kidney Failure.
Sorta seems like they're kicking a dog while its down, don't you think?
That would have been great, except for one of the side effects:
Kidney Failure.
Sorta seems like they're kicking a dog while its down, don't you think?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Moral Dilemna
Haruka is now too fat to get onto the ledge where her food is kept. I have two options:
1. Move her sleeping hutch closer to the ledge so she can use it as a step and achieve nourishment.
2. Keep everything as it is and use the promise of food as encouragement for good work ethic without laziness.
Decisions, decisions.
P.S. To silence all you animal cruelty activists out there, I moved the hutch closer for now, and will come up with a hammie weight-loss/anti-lazy solution for the future.
Note: I had to come home from college early to get CT Scans 'cause I have a mystery illness that could be one of about five things, ranging from painful to not-so-serious to oh-my-god-I-could die. The doctor thinks its kidney stones. We'll see. With my tendency towards luck and always having some sort of medical complication, I'll probably have either organ failure, cancer, or something completely new never before seen by man. At least the pain meds finally started to work today. I'll keep people posted, which is easier to do now that I've stopped breaking down into hysterics every ten minutes, 'cause I'm good like that.
All I have to say, is that God for Mommies, Daddies, and really awesome Roommates who will stay up until 1 a.m. looking up medications and diseases and hugging crying, sobbing messes who are unable to utter intelligible phrases outside of "whaaaaa."
Apparently, I am 18 going on 2. But more about these things later.
1. Move her sleeping hutch closer to the ledge so she can use it as a step and achieve nourishment.
2. Keep everything as it is and use the promise of food as encouragement for good work ethic without laziness.
Decisions, decisions.
P.S. To silence all you animal cruelty activists out there, I moved the hutch closer for now, and will come up with a hammie weight-loss/anti-lazy solution for the future.
Note: I had to come home from college early to get CT Scans 'cause I have a mystery illness that could be one of about five things, ranging from painful to not-so-serious to oh-my-god-I-could die. The doctor thinks its kidney stones. We'll see. With my tendency towards luck and always having some sort of medical complication, I'll probably have either organ failure, cancer, or something completely new never before seen by man. At least the pain meds finally started to work today. I'll keep people posted, which is easier to do now that I've stopped breaking down into hysterics every ten minutes, 'cause I'm good like that.
All I have to say, is that God for Mommies, Daddies, and really awesome Roommates who will stay up until 1 a.m. looking up medications and diseases and hugging crying, sobbing messes who are unable to utter intelligible phrases outside of "whaaaaa."
Apparently, I am 18 going on 2. But more about these things later.
Friday, March 6, 2009
The World's Watchful Eyes Revisited
Almost a month ago I wrote a post about the issue in Darfur as humanitarians worldwide waited to hear if Omar Al-Bashir would be indited by the International Criminal Court (ICC). A week or so ago, March 4 was whispered as the do-or-die date. The day came, Bashir was indited, and panic has ensued.
When I wrote a month ago, I said this:
"The issue is that if Bashir is arrested, the backlash on the people of Darfur, the UN Peacekeepers (the few that were actually deployed), and Journalists could be severe. The restricted green cards that are allowing international aid workers into the country could be revoked, which would send Amnesty, Save Darfur, and countless other agencies packing and would leave the people defenseless."
Thursday morning, this is exactly what happened. While Bashir has not been arrested (the ICC has no law-keeping force, its up to the Sudanese government to give Bashir up) Aid agencies are pleading with the Sudanese government to let them stay, but the entire system is tied into the Genocide. The Sudanese government has been protecting two other individuals who were charged for the Genocide, and the support they are showing for President Bashir is solid. By charging these criminals, the ICC may have sealed the fate of the people in Darfur, and the odds of Bashir being handed over to the ICC's jurisdiction are slim.
The victory is that the process of justice for the people of Darfur (and more recently Chad and C.A.R.) has begun, giving hope to the people who have been living with this hell and those who have done what they can to offer those people support. But it isn't a success. Millions of people now stand to be further abused because of the ICC's decision. The few who were able to help are no longer in a position to be able to do so. This ruling is a curse disguised as a blessing, an unfortunate realization that justice means little when brought against suffering. This arrest will not protect the women being raped in the refugee camps, it will not give the children water or hold families together. The sentence of suffering felt by the people of Darfur has been extended under the guise of progress. Yes, this means that the horrors in Sudan and Chad and the Central African Republic will be scruitinized under a even more direct beam of international light, but at what cost?
This makes the sentence hard to celebrate.
When I wrote a month ago, I said this:
"The issue is that if Bashir is arrested, the backlash on the people of Darfur, the UN Peacekeepers (the few that were actually deployed), and Journalists could be severe. The restricted green cards that are allowing international aid workers into the country could be revoked, which would send Amnesty, Save Darfur, and countless other agencies packing and would leave the people defenseless."
Thursday morning, this is exactly what happened. While Bashir has not been arrested (the ICC has no law-keeping force, its up to the Sudanese government to give Bashir up) Aid agencies are pleading with the Sudanese government to let them stay, but the entire system is tied into the Genocide. The Sudanese government has been protecting two other individuals who were charged for the Genocide, and the support they are showing for President Bashir is solid. By charging these criminals, the ICC may have sealed the fate of the people in Darfur, and the odds of Bashir being handed over to the ICC's jurisdiction are slim.
The victory is that the process of justice for the people of Darfur (and more recently Chad and C.A.R.) has begun, giving hope to the people who have been living with this hell and those who have done what they can to offer those people support. But it isn't a success. Millions of people now stand to be further abused because of the ICC's decision. The few who were able to help are no longer in a position to be able to do so. This ruling is a curse disguised as a blessing, an unfortunate realization that justice means little when brought against suffering. This arrest will not protect the women being raped in the refugee camps, it will not give the children water or hold families together. The sentence of suffering felt by the people of Darfur has been extended under the guise of progress. Yes, this means that the horrors in Sudan and Chad and the Central African Republic will be scruitinized under a even more direct beam of international light, but at what cost?
This makes the sentence hard to celebrate.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Health Code Friendly
The Contents of my Refrigerator (1.5 cubic feet)
Pre- Cleaning
1 Quart of Milk (Expiration Date- Feb 11th)
1 Half Gallon of Milk (Expiration Date- Feb 15th)
2 half-eaten Yogurts
3 mixed berry Yogurts (Expiration Dates- Jan 29, Feb 7, Feb 11)
3 vanilla Yogurts (Expiration Date- April 2)*
1 Loaf of bread, mostly frozen, may be moldy (not yet determined)
1/2 a Tomato, frozen due to proximity to Freezer
1 slice of week old Pizza
1 container of rice, frozen due to proximity to Freezer
1 6 oz Container of Mayonnaise
Garlic Clove
Post- Cleaning
3 Vanilla Yogurts
1/2 Tomato (Out of guilt, it won't ever be eaten)
1 6 oz Container of Mayonnaise
Garlic Clove
2 Water Bottles
There really is no excuse.
* The unexpired Yogurts were stacked on top of the expired ones.
Pre- Cleaning
1 Quart of Milk (Expiration Date- Feb 11th)
1 Half Gallon of Milk (Expiration Date- Feb 15th)
2 half-eaten Yogurts
3 mixed berry Yogurts (Expiration Dates- Jan 29, Feb 7, Feb 11)
3 vanilla Yogurts (Expiration Date- April 2)*
1 Loaf of bread, mostly frozen, may be moldy (not yet determined)
1/2 a Tomato, frozen due to proximity to Freezer
1 slice of week old Pizza
1 container of rice, frozen due to proximity to Freezer
1 6 oz Container of Mayonnaise
Garlic Clove
Post- Cleaning
3 Vanilla Yogurts
1/2 Tomato (Out of guilt, it won't ever be eaten)
1 6 oz Container of Mayonnaise
Garlic Clove
2 Water Bottles
There really is no excuse.
* The unexpired Yogurts were stacked on top of the expired ones.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Ugh.
Some Things From Today:
Woke up, checked e-mail, got a letter, laid back in bed.
Got coffee with JL, we played Candy Land with some kids. Made plans for later this month.
Came home, got a migraine, read Gilmore Girls and laid on the couch for an hour.
Talked to Alex, got a text from BW, listened to Deathcab and felt okay.
Went to Wyoming's to see her and Dayton. Watched Jackass. Got a ride home.
Listened to old Yellowcard CD. Realized I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Worried because I've stopped taking initiative in my classes, because I don't actually want to be there.
I'm so fucked.
Woke up, checked e-mail, got a letter, laid back in bed.
Got coffee with JL, we played Candy Land with some kids. Made plans for later this month.
Came home, got a migraine, read Gilmore Girls and laid on the couch for an hour.
Talked to Alex, got a text from BW, listened to Deathcab and felt okay.
Went to Wyoming's to see her and Dayton. Watched Jackass. Got a ride home.
Listened to old Yellowcard CD. Realized I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Worried because I've stopped taking initiative in my classes, because I don't actually want to be there.
I'm so fucked.
A Convo
From xkcd:
COMPLETELY UNRELATED:
COMPLETELY UNRELATED:
Me (on phone): Hey Brother?
Brother: Yeah?
Me: Can I borrow your black shirt?
B: Why?
Me: I'm going out and the only shirt I have has paint on it. I don't want to look like a complete skank.
B: You can, but only if you still look half skanky.
Me: Okay, I'll make sure my pants don't fit, then.
B: Then you can borrow the shirt.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Indeed
There is a specific scent today, the scent of blustery winds against sixty degree weather. I'm laying on my bed- laughingly disheveled with floral sheets and a solid black quilt. Nothing matches, not even the pillows. My room is lime green, which has always struck me as a strange color to chose. Green hasn't been my favorite color since childhood. Six years ago, when I chose the color, I loved purple. But this green, bright and acidic, hasn't gotten old yet. It appeals to my less than girlie nature, I've never been one for frills or intricacy or pretty details.
My lack of femininity has always been a significant part of my life. Its why I always had little interest in children, and why my friends always tended to be guys. My inability to appreciate chivalry has drawn lines through my relationships, and I can only name a handful where that line was respected, and those are the relationships I can look back on with smiles. The clothes in my closet: Jeans and solid-colored t-shirts, display little or no girlishness at all. In truth, I own one skirt and one shirt with any hint of lace. They are both black. My shoes are covered in mud from the time I decided that sidewalks were terrible, but didn't realize that the ground was so soft that there was a good four inches of boggish coating above the ground. My one set of heels, purchased for prom before being downgraded as "work shoes" (my one skirt served a similar purpose, being bought for a funeral before spending summertime in an office building), are scuffed and broken. Makeup and long hair may be the only definitively girlie aspects of my person.
... the bisexual thing was a long time coming, wasn't it*? :k
* This conclusion wasn't exactly where this post was going... but the realization struck so clearly that I just couldn't bring myself to finish my train of thought.
My lack of femininity has always been a significant part of my life. Its why I always had little interest in children, and why my friends always tended to be guys. My inability to appreciate chivalry has drawn lines through my relationships, and I can only name a handful where that line was respected, and those are the relationships I can look back on with smiles. The clothes in my closet: Jeans and solid-colored t-shirts, display little or no girlishness at all. In truth, I own one skirt and one shirt with any hint of lace. They are both black. My shoes are covered in mud from the time I decided that sidewalks were terrible, but didn't realize that the ground was so soft that there was a good four inches of boggish coating above the ground. My one set of heels, purchased for prom before being downgraded as "work shoes" (my one skirt served a similar purpose, being bought for a funeral before spending summertime in an office building), are scuffed and broken. Makeup and long hair may be the only definitively girlie aspects of my person.
... the bisexual thing was a long time coming, wasn't it*? :k
* This conclusion wasn't exactly where this post was going... but the realization struck so clearly that I just couldn't bring myself to finish my train of thought.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Turning
In the wee hours of this morning, I was talking to Alex and I came to a semi-realization. I say semi because I've talked about it so many times, but really I try not to think about it. The truth is, I am almost completely uninterested in going to college. I knew this before I graduated from high school, and before I even filled out college applications. But getting anything other than a four year degree is not an option in my family (neither of my parents finished college).
I told Alex that ideally, I would get a few jobs working in some artsy or nerdy shops around Philadelphia, while living in my own studio in either the city or a nearby town on the Jersey side. I know that whatever I would end up doing, degree or not, will require working in a city and probably some sort of commute by train. I've realized over the last few months that I love splitting my time between two cities. The movement, and the accessibility has been amazing. I can get cheap food and find activists of any nature near New York, while spending calm nights and coffee hours with friends down by Philadelphia. Of course, there are the negatives of each location, but ultimately I get to live the "best of both worlds", just so long as I keep my energy positive.
On another note, the Age of the Aquarius is among us (every 2,000 years the ages change. The last age we lived in was the age of the Pisces. That began around the same time as Jesus). The Age of Aquarius is all about Unity and Love, so the next 2,000 years should be an amazing part of this Earth's life. The Age of the Pisces was a male dominated age, and those times are coming to a close now. Of course, as a part of this, the "end of the world" in 2012 (because there are people who actually think the world will end!) is actually a separation between the enlightened and the unenlightened. This whole "event" is really difficult to explain without hand motions signifying wholeness and a lot of love, so I encourage anyone who understands to try and explain it to the people close to them! (Likewise, if you know me personally and you want to know, please ask!).
I guess that being said, there are a lot of things going on in my life right now, and today I actually felt the shift. Yes, I am impatient to get out of college so I can actually begin to live the life that I want to live. But I've been presented with an opportunity to meet new, wonderful people and to feel closer to friends from my past. And yeah, it can be frustrating feeling like a nomad sometimes, but I've learned a lot through the splitting of my time and now I've come to actually enjoy it. The biggest issue has always been the lovely tangle I've made out of my relationships, and I decided to just let things happen. I'm not tying myself to people anymore, because this creates unneeded stress on not only me, but them too. After talking to Alex, everything that's been ugly between us for so many months felt like it melted away, and we were speaking more as if we were remembering good times than as if we were fighting to fit some sort of forced friendship.
Its all about the energy!
-Sarah elizabeth
I told Alex that ideally, I would get a few jobs working in some artsy or nerdy shops around Philadelphia, while living in my own studio in either the city or a nearby town on the Jersey side. I know that whatever I would end up doing, degree or not, will require working in a city and probably some sort of commute by train. I've realized over the last few months that I love splitting my time between two cities. The movement, and the accessibility has been amazing. I can get cheap food and find activists of any nature near New York, while spending calm nights and coffee hours with friends down by Philadelphia. Of course, there are the negatives of each location, but ultimately I get to live the "best of both worlds", just so long as I keep my energy positive.
On another note, the Age of the Aquarius is among us (every 2,000 years the ages change. The last age we lived in was the age of the Pisces. That began around the same time as Jesus). The Age of Aquarius is all about Unity and Love, so the next 2,000 years should be an amazing part of this Earth's life. The Age of the Pisces was a male dominated age, and those times are coming to a close now. Of course, as a part of this, the "end of the world" in 2012 (because there are people who actually think the world will end!) is actually a separation between the enlightened and the unenlightened. This whole "event" is really difficult to explain without hand motions signifying wholeness and a lot of love, so I encourage anyone who understands to try and explain it to the people close to them! (Likewise, if you know me personally and you want to know, please ask!).
I guess that being said, there are a lot of things going on in my life right now, and today I actually felt the shift. Yes, I am impatient to get out of college so I can actually begin to live the life that I want to live. But I've been presented with an opportunity to meet new, wonderful people and to feel closer to friends from my past. And yeah, it can be frustrating feeling like a nomad sometimes, but I've learned a lot through the splitting of my time and now I've come to actually enjoy it. The biggest issue has always been the lovely tangle I've made out of my relationships, and I decided to just let things happen. I'm not tying myself to people anymore, because this creates unneeded stress on not only me, but them too. After talking to Alex, everything that's been ugly between us for so many months felt like it melted away, and we were speaking more as if we were remembering good times than as if we were fighting to fit some sort of forced friendship.
Its all about the energy!
-Sarah elizabeth
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The World's Watchful Eyes
Okay, so I've been an advocate for Darfur since I don't even know when... but I was a sophomore in high school (I know this because I can remember talking avidly about the issue to my boyfriend at the time while we crossed the train tracks on the way home from school. But we may have not been dating. I pretended to have to walk home a lot so that I could sneakily spend extra time with him. This was a digression... which will be over in 3...2...1...)
Anyway, the genocide in Darfur was what prompted me to want to take action against human rights abuses. It all started with a speech by Angelina Jolie, who was new to the UNHCR post and had just finished a multi-national tour to numerous third-world countries across the planet (including war torn Afghanistan, and post civil-war Sierra Leone). Her speech was on CSPAN, and I just remember feeling angry and appalled. She was speaking about an issue where (at the time) a million people were displaced and 100,000 had died. Those numbers have officially tripled (although unofficially, they have quadrupled... but not many agencies are publishing those numbers for some ungodly reason).
The genocide itself is government sanctioned, coming from Omar Al-Bashir and his cabinet. Of course, the militia get their guns from the Chinese, because China gets their oil from Sudan and that's just how trade works these days. Chalk it up for yet another reason we need another source of fuel- preferably one that doesn't fund mass murder. But alas, another digression!
Anyway, in August Bashir was brought up on charged by the ICC. At the time, no one reported this, with the exception of a tiny scroll on CNN that was about 7 words long. The amount of airtime the event received was less then the amount of airtime Chris Brown's rage has received in the last two days. This was absolutely infuriating to myself and anyone else who has been campaigning and petitioning to multiple governments since 2003 (or for me, 2005... I was late to the game. But not as late at the people who had to see George Clooney go on Oprah before figuring it out. God Bless Clooney AND Oprah for globalizing the issue the way grassroots agencies can't!). However, considering the first 5 years of the issue received (literally) 36 minutes of airtime on every American news station this sort of understated, ignorant reaction was expected.
At the time, organizations working closely with the issue reported that it would take six months to know whether the ICC would actually issue a warrant for Bashir's arrest. No leader of a nation has ever been arrested while in office (Charles Taylor, whose trial is ongoing despite his sanctioned atrocities taking place in 1980, was arrested after the fact). Well, the six months have come and gone, and there are whispers of the decision coming from The Hague.
The New York Times has reported that a warrant has been issued for Bashir's arrest. The reporter sourced lawyers and other individuals related to the case. Five hours ago, an official statement from The Hague denied these claims. Whether the New York Times was misinformed, or people related to the case spoke too early is unknown right now. Frankly, I'm prone to believe that the warrant has been issued. The 6 month period has ended, and Bashir has had the audacity to go up for re-election this spring. Better to arrest him at the end of this term than at the beginning of the next one (because we all know, that elections in Africa don't actually elect new leaders, they merely get rigged so that a pre-determined winner remains in office.. *cough* Mugabe *cough*).
The issue is that if Bashir is arrested, the backlash on the people of Darfur, the UN Peacekeepers (the few that were actually deployed), and Journalists could be severe. The restricted green cards that are allowing international aid workers into the country could be revoked, which would sent Amnesty, Save Darfur, and countless other agencies packing and would leave the people defenseless. Extra attacks on the men, women, and children of the region could increase (although statistics right now already declare that any woman above the age of two has been raped if they live in a camp, and because of this their husbands, fathers, brothers are disowning them because of cultural misunderstandings) and even more people could die. Personally, I worry because Sudan, China, and Russia are all allies. The UN would have a bit of a job going up against these three countries united, and the Vice President of Sudan said in August that if Bashir was arrested, a "war" would start.
Its difficult to know how to feel right now, as someone who is so close to this issue. I am relieved and glad that Bashir is being brought up on charges, along with multiple other leaders in this human rights catastrophe. But justice isn't what is realistically important right now. It's hard to point fingers and put someone away for an issue that is continuing as I type this, and has complete potential to get worse. The first priority of the agencies (and I agree) is with the people of this terrified region. When they are safe, and can return to where they called home to rebuild their lives... that's when this devastating chapter in human negligence and hatred can finally close.
Anyway, the genocide in Darfur was what prompted me to want to take action against human rights abuses. It all started with a speech by Angelina Jolie, who was new to the UNHCR post and had just finished a multi-national tour to numerous third-world countries across the planet (including war torn Afghanistan, and post civil-war Sierra Leone). Her speech was on CSPAN, and I just remember feeling angry and appalled. She was speaking about an issue where (at the time) a million people were displaced and 100,000 had died. Those numbers have officially tripled (although unofficially, they have quadrupled... but not many agencies are publishing those numbers for some ungodly reason).
The genocide itself is government sanctioned, coming from Omar Al-Bashir and his cabinet. Of course, the militia get their guns from the Chinese, because China gets their oil from Sudan and that's just how trade works these days. Chalk it up for yet another reason we need another source of fuel- preferably one that doesn't fund mass murder. But alas, another digression!
Anyway, in August Bashir was brought up on charged by the ICC. At the time, no one reported this, with the exception of a tiny scroll on CNN that was about 7 words long. The amount of airtime the event received was less then the amount of airtime Chris Brown's rage has received in the last two days. This was absolutely infuriating to myself and anyone else who has been campaigning and petitioning to multiple governments since 2003 (or for me, 2005... I was late to the game. But not as late at the people who had to see George Clooney go on Oprah before figuring it out. God Bless Clooney AND Oprah for globalizing the issue the way grassroots agencies can't!). However, considering the first 5 years of the issue received (literally) 36 minutes of airtime on every American news station this sort of understated, ignorant reaction was expected.
At the time, organizations working closely with the issue reported that it would take six months to know whether the ICC would actually issue a warrant for Bashir's arrest. No leader of a nation has ever been arrested while in office (Charles Taylor, whose trial is ongoing despite his sanctioned atrocities taking place in 1980, was arrested after the fact). Well, the six months have come and gone, and there are whispers of the decision coming from The Hague.
The New York Times has reported that a warrant has been issued for Bashir's arrest. The reporter sourced lawyers and other individuals related to the case. Five hours ago, an official statement from The Hague denied these claims. Whether the New York Times was misinformed, or people related to the case spoke too early is unknown right now. Frankly, I'm prone to believe that the warrant has been issued. The 6 month period has ended, and Bashir has had the audacity to go up for re-election this spring. Better to arrest him at the end of this term than at the beginning of the next one (because we all know, that elections in Africa don't actually elect new leaders, they merely get rigged so that a pre-determined winner remains in office.. *cough* Mugabe *cough*).
The issue is that if Bashir is arrested, the backlash on the people of Darfur, the UN Peacekeepers (the few that were actually deployed), and Journalists could be severe. The restricted green cards that are allowing international aid workers into the country could be revoked, which would sent Amnesty, Save Darfur, and countless other agencies packing and would leave the people defenseless. Extra attacks on the men, women, and children of the region could increase (although statistics right now already declare that any woman above the age of two has been raped if they live in a camp, and because of this their husbands, fathers, brothers are disowning them because of cultural misunderstandings) and even more people could die. Personally, I worry because Sudan, China, and Russia are all allies. The UN would have a bit of a job going up against these three countries united, and the Vice President of Sudan said in August that if Bashir was arrested, a "war" would start.
Its difficult to know how to feel right now, as someone who is so close to this issue. I am relieved and glad that Bashir is being brought up on charges, along with multiple other leaders in this human rights catastrophe. But justice isn't what is realistically important right now. It's hard to point fingers and put someone away for an issue that is continuing as I type this, and has complete potential to get worse. The first priority of the agencies (and I agree) is with the people of this terrified region. When they are safe, and can return to where they called home to rebuild their lives... that's when this devastating chapter in human negligence and hatred can finally close.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A Letter
Dear Alex:
Yesterday I had two dreams about you. In the first, it was two days after our initial breakup, and instead of ignoring one another, you called me. We talked things out, we yelled and I cried, and then you got onto a train and came down and we talked everything out. Then the dream sped up to six months later, and we were still happy and communicating.
Later that night I had another dream, and we were walking around outside, being together and talking. Both dreams had us talking. Then suddenly I was running around my dorm room, throwing clothes into a basket and talking to you on the phone, planning some sort of trip we were going to go on that weekend to New York. My hair was long, and dark, and your voice was deeper.
I woke up more frustrated than upset. Almost exactly a month ago, I let it all go. We stopped talking as much, the fighting stopped, and I've been going out and talking with other guys (very, very casually... not actually "dating" but just being out) and taking steps to make me a happier, less fragile person. But the dreams derailed me a little bit, as vivid dreams often do. Everything you say anymore frustrates me, and I've tried terribly hard to make our relationship a distant memory... the hazy bottom of a muddy lake. But then things like this happen, and its like everything crystallizes and I see everything from the past come together in a clear image.
I suppose this all was triggered because I made an appointment with a counselor on Thursday, and I did it because of what happened, because I'm tired of allowing my Anxiety to run my life. Our breakup was not the first caused by one of my hysterical, anxiety-driven, panic-oriented freakouts. But I can't bear losing what I lost with you again, and I can't bear to see the damage that I've done, with you and my other ex's that I cared for deeply yet walked away from anyway. I can't stand to leave behind me a wake of wretchedness because I was too much of a chickenshit to admit that I am in over my head and I need help. I want to have healthy, loving relationships without waiting for the proverbial axe to drop.
Looking at the dreams, I'm happy that I have the sort of good memories that can still be manifested sometimes. I'll explain: the happiness of our relationship was positive enough that the tiniest blips of memory can still feed into dreams. I'm lucky, not many people have that kind of relationship with anybody where the thought of the memories still bring back the fierce power of the emotion or the frightened shock of loss that can still make my hands shake. I've been shown something powerful, and I can say that I've experienced love that seemed limitless, and I believe that it could have been in time. I'm happy for that, and thankful for that, and I hope that we both experience it again someday.
Sometimes I feel like those few months had enough love for a lifetime.
-Sarah Elizabeth
Yesterday I had two dreams about you. In the first, it was two days after our initial breakup, and instead of ignoring one another, you called me. We talked things out, we yelled and I cried, and then you got onto a train and came down and we talked everything out. Then the dream sped up to six months later, and we were still happy and communicating.
Later that night I had another dream, and we were walking around outside, being together and talking. Both dreams had us talking. Then suddenly I was running around my dorm room, throwing clothes into a basket and talking to you on the phone, planning some sort of trip we were going to go on that weekend to New York. My hair was long, and dark, and your voice was deeper.
I woke up more frustrated than upset. Almost exactly a month ago, I let it all go. We stopped talking as much, the fighting stopped, and I've been going out and talking with other guys (very, very casually... not actually "dating" but just being out) and taking steps to make me a happier, less fragile person. But the dreams derailed me a little bit, as vivid dreams often do. Everything you say anymore frustrates me, and I've tried terribly hard to make our relationship a distant memory... the hazy bottom of a muddy lake. But then things like this happen, and its like everything crystallizes and I see everything from the past come together in a clear image.
I suppose this all was triggered because I made an appointment with a counselor on Thursday, and I did it because of what happened, because I'm tired of allowing my Anxiety to run my life. Our breakup was not the first caused by one of my hysterical, anxiety-driven, panic-oriented freakouts. But I can't bear losing what I lost with you again, and I can't bear to see the damage that I've done, with you and my other ex's that I cared for deeply yet walked away from anyway. I can't stand to leave behind me a wake of wretchedness because I was too much of a chickenshit to admit that I am in over my head and I need help. I want to have healthy, loving relationships without waiting for the proverbial axe to drop.
Looking at the dreams, I'm happy that I have the sort of good memories that can still be manifested sometimes. I'll explain: the happiness of our relationship was positive enough that the tiniest blips of memory can still feed into dreams. I'm lucky, not many people have that kind of relationship with anybody where the thought of the memories still bring back the fierce power of the emotion or the frightened shock of loss that can still make my hands shake. I've been shown something powerful, and I can say that I've experienced love that seemed limitless, and I believe that it could have been in time. I'm happy for that, and thankful for that, and I hope that we both experience it again someday.
Sometimes I feel like those few months had enough love for a lifetime.
-Sarah Elizabeth
Monday, February 9, 2009
Cast of Characters Part II: State Edition
Okay, so it occured to me that I am in contact with more people than I introduced, so here are a few more names that you can farmiliarize yourself with, if you so choose.
Fiddles
I've know this girlie since I was thirteen. She was originally a friend of a friend but we got to talking one day and ever since then we'll talk for hours and hours when we get together. Of course, finding time to be together has always been incredibly difficult so we'll only really get to see each other every 6 months unless we're a part of the same activity. There was a period of time in the past where we were dating guys from the same group, which was really awesome at the time because we got to hang out multiple times a week.
BW
He's an ex boyfriend who I had actually been friends with through Art classes in high school. He's a year older than I am so he graduted the year before me. We went out for maybe two months, and things really didn't work out at the time. That was two years ago. Since then we've been in contact here and there, and we hang out every so often. I've always had a lot of fun when we're together, and he's pretty hilarious.
JC
I met JC in seventh grade when she moved to New Jersey. I was apprehensive at first, because I wasn't fond of meeting new people. But now we have a lot of inside jokes and we go to college pretty close to one another, so we'll see each other when we go into the city or somesuch. My caffeine addiction can be attributed largely to her, because I had had nothing but those synthetic wawa cappuchinos until we started hanging out in a real coffee shop on a weekly basis.
K
She dorms next door to JC, and during an NYC trip we took in October, K came along. As it turns out, K and I are almost identical people. I knew she was awesome when her first words to me were... "so you're my doppleganger!" I get the biggest kick out of this chica, and its always great to be tackled by her the second you enter a building. Also, she has an amazing snese of style.
Anne
Also dorms with JC, but is her roommate. She's pretty quiet but definately crazy funny. She's one of those mucho skilled people who speaks 3-4 languages and plays guitar. She also can pretty much throw any outfit together and somehow come out successful, which is the sort of person I've always respected because my own closet weilds little promise to fashionistas anywhere. She makes an excellent threesome with JC and K, and together they're all amazing!
Coming Soon: Cast of Characters: College Edition!
*Update* Please note there is a post under this one, because I scheduled this post to be published on Monday but somehow published it today by mistake. So, you get two posts today... but none tomorrow. Don't fill up too quick! :)
Fiddles
I've know this girlie since I was thirteen. She was originally a friend of a friend but we got to talking one day and ever since then we'll talk for hours and hours when we get together. Of course, finding time to be together has always been incredibly difficult so we'll only really get to see each other every 6 months unless we're a part of the same activity. There was a period of time in the past where we were dating guys from the same group, which was really awesome at the time because we got to hang out multiple times a week.
BW
He's an ex boyfriend who I had actually been friends with through Art classes in high school. He's a year older than I am so he graduted the year before me. We went out for maybe two months, and things really didn't work out at the time. That was two years ago. Since then we've been in contact here and there, and we hang out every so often. I've always had a lot of fun when we're together, and he's pretty hilarious.
JC
I met JC in seventh grade when she moved to New Jersey. I was apprehensive at first, because I wasn't fond of meeting new people. But now we have a lot of inside jokes and we go to college pretty close to one another, so we'll see each other when we go into the city or somesuch. My caffeine addiction can be attributed largely to her, because I had had nothing but those synthetic wawa cappuchinos until we started hanging out in a real coffee shop on a weekly basis.
K
She dorms next door to JC, and during an NYC trip we took in October, K came along. As it turns out, K and I are almost identical people. I knew she was awesome when her first words to me were... "so you're my doppleganger!" I get the biggest kick out of this chica, and its always great to be tackled by her the second you enter a building. Also, she has an amazing snese of style.
Anne
Also dorms with JC, but is her roommate. She's pretty quiet but definately crazy funny. She's one of those mucho skilled people who speaks 3-4 languages and plays guitar. She also can pretty much throw any outfit together and somehow come out successful, which is the sort of person I've always respected because my own closet weilds little promise to fashionistas anywhere. She makes an excellent threesome with JC and K, and together they're all amazing!
Coming Soon: Cast of Characters: College Edition!
*Update* Please note there is a post under this one, because I scheduled this post to be published on Monday but somehow published it today by mistake. So, you get two posts today... but none tomorrow. Don't fill up too quick! :)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Its all there
I was considerably lucky this weekend in that I got to see many friends who I haven't seen in a long time, and meet people who turned out to be very interesting additions to my experiences. It began on Thursday night, when I took a train to a college mid-state to see my friend JC and some of the other girls who live in the building. I had met many of them before when I stayed overnight in October. The night was full of talking and joking around and eating chinese. The girls from the building trickled into the room one by one, and I was able to spend time getting to know each of them. Of course, I am a rather awkward individual who gives a less than wonderful first impression at times, so a few of the girls may not have loved me, but there were a few who I had a lot in common with and two of the girls who I had known before, K and Anne, were amazing to see and laugh with. As silly as it may sound, the energy in the building is filled with a lot of fun and love and care, which was nice to experience, considering my own dorming situation is so stressed and terrible.
Of course, I briefly saw Wyoming and Daytona on Friday night. I miss them both during the week when I'm not around (escpecially Wyoming) so its always nice to see them. I swear, the two of them keep me mature. Particularly since Wyoming and I got into a tiny disagreement on Saturday and after talking for a bit we were able to blow past it and at least apologize to one another. This is more than I can say for my relationships with most other people, so I'm always grateful when I have a relationship where this sort of communication can exist.
Then on Saturday night I got in contact with an old friend, Fiddles (I will obviously have to do a Friends Cast part II, to introduce the new names). She's the awesomest gal who I unfortunately have never gotten to see anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Generally, we see each other every six months and talk occasionally in-between. But last night we were both semi-free, and had a marathon hangout for hours and hours. We got some Shamrock Shakes and talked for a bit before going to my ex boyfriend BW's house. There was a big group of people there too, most of whom I haven't seen since they graduated or moved to other states. It was a fun night overall.
Later today I'm getting together with BW to hang out, because we've been talking a bit more over the last week or so. I feel really lucky and grateful that this weekend will be filled with so many friends and good times. It'll definately carry me through the week and past next weekend, since I am stuck at my college for a little bit longer than I generally care to be.
Best wishes for a wonderful week ahead!
-Sarah Elizabeth
Of course, I briefly saw Wyoming and Daytona on Friday night. I miss them both during the week when I'm not around (escpecially Wyoming) so its always nice to see them. I swear, the two of them keep me mature. Particularly since Wyoming and I got into a tiny disagreement on Saturday and after talking for a bit we were able to blow past it and at least apologize to one another. This is more than I can say for my relationships with most other people, so I'm always grateful when I have a relationship where this sort of communication can exist.
Then on Saturday night I got in contact with an old friend, Fiddles (I will obviously have to do a Friends Cast part II, to introduce the new names). She's the awesomest gal who I unfortunately have never gotten to see anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Generally, we see each other every six months and talk occasionally in-between. But last night we were both semi-free, and had a marathon hangout for hours and hours. We got some Shamrock Shakes and talked for a bit before going to my ex boyfriend BW's house. There was a big group of people there too, most of whom I haven't seen since they graduated or moved to other states. It was a fun night overall.
Later today I'm getting together with BW to hang out, because we've been talking a bit more over the last week or so. I feel really lucky and grateful that this weekend will be filled with so many friends and good times. It'll definately carry me through the week and past next weekend, since I am stuck at my college for a little bit longer than I generally care to be.
Best wishes for a wonderful week ahead!
-Sarah Elizabeth
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Dear College.
It has been about five months since I started living on campus, attending your classes, and observing your activities. My very strong hatred for you has waned slightly since returning from winter break, but its far from going away. But that is a seperate story.
Since I began going to college, I've learned a few things. On a personal level, I now realize that my intolerance for idiocy is alive and well. Also, I am an excellent procrastinator. But time would have told me these things anyway, so I don't really owe the information to College, however the swiftness of the discovery does allude to some deserved credit.
I may have mentioned in my last letter that I had joined a club for a little while. This was probably the place I made the most friends. Of course, my schedule no longer allows me to go, and I had kind of started to fade out of the idea anyway. It was a political club, but I wasn't completely aligned with everything they had going on. They're a great organization though, and I wouldn't mind dropping by occasionally in the future if the deathgrip you have on my time would let up.
One of the most useful "life skills" I've aquired over the last few months is a grasp on public transportation. Buses, speedlines, trains, shuttles... I have figured out so much! My anxiety still requires the extensive previewing of schedules and numbers and stops and so forth, but thats okay! At least I'm actually stepping onto the vehicles themselves!
Really, I've just gotten to the point where I know where almost everything is and I can pass back and forth to different things without too much worrying. I've figured out the office hours of most of the campus, and besides the curse of distance getting to everything is pretty easy. I've also been in contact with a few different offices for different reasons, which may or may not be discussed in the future, depending on how things go. Overall I'm surviving "College" pretty well, and I'm learning a lot which is a total bonus!
-Sarah Elizabeth
It has been about five months since I started living on campus, attending your classes, and observing your activities. My very strong hatred for you has waned slightly since returning from winter break, but its far from going away. But that is a seperate story.
Since I began going to college, I've learned a few things. On a personal level, I now realize that my intolerance for idiocy is alive and well. Also, I am an excellent procrastinator. But time would have told me these things anyway, so I don't really owe the information to College, however the swiftness of the discovery does allude to some deserved credit.
I may have mentioned in my last letter that I had joined a club for a little while. This was probably the place I made the most friends. Of course, my schedule no longer allows me to go, and I had kind of started to fade out of the idea anyway. It was a political club, but I wasn't completely aligned with everything they had going on. They're a great organization though, and I wouldn't mind dropping by occasionally in the future if the deathgrip you have on my time would let up.
One of the most useful "life skills" I've aquired over the last few months is a grasp on public transportation. Buses, speedlines, trains, shuttles... I have figured out so much! My anxiety still requires the extensive previewing of schedules and numbers and stops and so forth, but thats okay! At least I'm actually stepping onto the vehicles themselves!
Really, I've just gotten to the point where I know where almost everything is and I can pass back and forth to different things without too much worrying. I've figured out the office hours of most of the campus, and besides the curse of distance getting to everything is pretty easy. I've also been in contact with a few different offices for different reasons, which may or may not be discussed in the future, depending on how things go. Overall I'm surviving "College" pretty well, and I'm learning a lot which is a total bonus!
-Sarah Elizabeth
Friday, February 6, 2009
Slimming The Crowd
Hey everyone!
This is (technically) my 100th post. But since I have only actually posted 51, its not all that big of a celebration. It also says something about my ability to commit to my posts: 49% of them never get seen. That's right, the screening process is pretty tough over here at Starburst! (Also, this may be the first time that I've ever referred to this blog by name. Go figure!)
Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had been sort of talking to a guy on the phone. I was really indifferent as to whether or not things would have progressed from there, because in all honesty, the guy somehow tweaked my number one nerve numerous times inside the "getting-to-know you" phase. This nerve? Its the one that is the pre-cursor to my Creeper Alert. Its the one that sends up the red flag probably much sooner than deserved, but is usually right on the money. It separates the pretentious from the well intentioned, and has saved me from much trouble. The nerve is... when a guy I just met (or anybody, really) thinks they "know" me.
Its easiest to figure out early on. The guy is so secure about himself that he is totally confident making complete assumptions about your person, days after first talking. Frankly, anyone who wants to try to recommend me a movie, book, or band ("I thought of you when I saw this, you'd really like it!") is a red flag in the first week. My reasoning? Because A. You should NOT be thinking about me as a function of your daily life, we've spoken twice. and B. two conversations are not nearly enough to tell you what my tastes are, or vice versa. So what is supposed to be this really fantastic, thoughtful "line", becomes a blind stab in the dark. And yes, this makes me a bit bitchy, but I firmly believe that I am a complex, thought-filled person, whose tastes are not easily understood when the combined time of conversation is equivalent to about four hours.
But I will be completely honest, I let this slide when talking to Boy. I was trying to be open to new people, and I am constantly remembering that I myself, make horrible first impressions, so to expect more of others is unfair. Erego, I ignored Boy's attempts to recommend gory, cheesy, over produced horror films to me and instead tried to focus on other things. He was looking to meet new people, he liked to read, etc. etc. Okay, fine. But neither of those things ended up boding well for this kid either.
It turns out, he wanted to "meet new people" because he desperately wanted to get over his last ex. I can understand that, obviously. In November I was doing all sorts of boy-crazy, idiotic things. But then I realized what I was doing (largely, making an ass out of myself and viciously confusing the other person) and decided to take a step back. What I was NOT understand about, was his favorite sentence: "Girls are bitches." To which I could do little else to reply: "I'm sorry, I always found us to be wonderful."
The latter interest, his love of books, had the potential to be endearing but died sooner than I expected. I received a message one day telling me that he had found three new books, so that he had something to talk to me about. "A" for effort, of course, although I was admittedly weirded out, because at that point, we hadn't spoken in a week (because he had called daily at times where I couldn't answer, and then would text when the phone went to voicemail. After day three of this I began to avoid the calls) and he was putting in WAY more effort than I was comfortable with. Once again, after maybe four hours of conversation.
So the whole thing seemed to have fallen flat as an inappropriate match. Which I was totally okay with, because it gave me some damn good stories to tell Topher. About two weeks ago I assumed that I had heard my last of Boy. But oh, I was wrong.
This morning I got back from my friend's college (late and cold, thanks NJTransit!) and opened my laptop to a message on facebook. Apparently, Boy had been im'd by a girl Sarah a week ago, and thought it was me. Which is cool, mistakes happen and the name's popular. The strange thing was that this mistake took him a week to figure out (so much for knowing me I guess) and when he did, he made a date with this new girl. I was definitely relieved to figure out that he found some other girl. Although I can't help but cringe at all the things he probably now associates with me, particularly since he spent a week talking to someone else and thought it was me. Why he felt the need to let me know about the mistake, and his date, was really strange to me at first. We haven't spoken in two weeks, I officially had walked away from it. It wasn't until Topher told me that Boy was informing me that he was moving on and that I had "missed my chance" that I understood.
Looks like I really lost what could have been True Love!
This is (technically) my 100th post. But since I have only actually posted 51, its not all that big of a celebration. It also says something about my ability to commit to my posts: 49% of them never get seen. That's right, the screening process is pretty tough over here at Starburst! (Also, this may be the first time that I've ever referred to this blog by name. Go figure!)
Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had been sort of talking to a guy on the phone. I was really indifferent as to whether or not things would have progressed from there, because in all honesty, the guy somehow tweaked my number one nerve numerous times inside the "getting-to-know you" phase. This nerve? Its the one that is the pre-cursor to my Creeper Alert. Its the one that sends up the red flag probably much sooner than deserved, but is usually right on the money. It separates the pretentious from the well intentioned, and has saved me from much trouble. The nerve is... when a guy I just met (or anybody, really) thinks they "know" me.
Its easiest to figure out early on. The guy is so secure about himself that he is totally confident making complete assumptions about your person, days after first talking. Frankly, anyone who wants to try to recommend me a movie, book, or band ("I thought of you when I saw this, you'd really like it!") is a red flag in the first week. My reasoning? Because A. You should NOT be thinking about me as a function of your daily life, we've spoken twice. and B. two conversations are not nearly enough to tell you what my tastes are, or vice versa. So what is supposed to be this really fantastic, thoughtful "line", becomes a blind stab in the dark. And yes, this makes me a bit bitchy, but I firmly believe that I am a complex, thought-filled person, whose tastes are not easily understood when the combined time of conversation is equivalent to about four hours.
But I will be completely honest, I let this slide when talking to Boy. I was trying to be open to new people, and I am constantly remembering that I myself, make horrible first impressions, so to expect more of others is unfair. Erego, I ignored Boy's attempts to recommend gory, cheesy, over produced horror films to me and instead tried to focus on other things. He was looking to meet new people, he liked to read, etc. etc. Okay, fine. But neither of those things ended up boding well for this kid either.
It turns out, he wanted to "meet new people" because he desperately wanted to get over his last ex. I can understand that, obviously. In November I was doing all sorts of boy-crazy, idiotic things. But then I realized what I was doing (largely, making an ass out of myself and viciously confusing the other person) and decided to take a step back. What I was NOT understand about, was his favorite sentence: "Girls are bitches." To which I could do little else to reply: "I'm sorry, I always found us to be wonderful."
The latter interest, his love of books, had the potential to be endearing but died sooner than I expected. I received a message one day telling me that he had found three new books, so that he had something to talk to me about. "A" for effort, of course, although I was admittedly weirded out, because at that point, we hadn't spoken in a week (because he had called daily at times where I couldn't answer, and then would text when the phone went to voicemail. After day three of this I began to avoid the calls) and he was putting in WAY more effort than I was comfortable with. Once again, after maybe four hours of conversation.
So the whole thing seemed to have fallen flat as an inappropriate match. Which I was totally okay with, because it gave me some damn good stories to tell Topher. About two weeks ago I assumed that I had heard my last of Boy. But oh, I was wrong.
This morning I got back from my friend's college (late and cold, thanks NJTransit!) and opened my laptop to a message on facebook. Apparently, Boy had been im'd by a girl Sarah a week ago, and thought it was me. Which is cool, mistakes happen and the name's popular. The strange thing was that this mistake took him a week to figure out (so much for knowing me I guess) and when he did, he made a date with this new girl. I was definitely relieved to figure out that he found some other girl. Although I can't help but cringe at all the things he probably now associates with me, particularly since he spent a week talking to someone else and thought it was me. Why he felt the need to let me know about the mistake, and his date, was really strange to me at first. We haven't spoken in two weeks, I officially had walked away from it. It wasn't until Topher told me that Boy was informing me that he was moving on and that I had "missed my chance" that I understood.
Looks like I really lost what could have been True Love!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Today
When I was in high school I would wake up with just enough time to shower, get dressed, and make a breakfast to bring to school with me. But here, particularly since none of my classes start until eleven, I try to wake up three hours early every day. By 7:30, I'm pretty much up and semi-functional.
So far today I showered, folded my laundry, packed (mostly) to go to my friend's college overnight, ate breakfast, read some of my Philosophy homework, watched a short film, watched most of LOST, cleared out my camera, talked to Jer and Wyoming and Daytona, Cleaned a decent bit of my dorm, and wrote a number of blog entries before deciding to continue with this one.
Who says you can't be productive before noon?
After myPaleoanthropology class tonight I'm heading a few hours south to spend the night at another college with Pookie, K, and Anne. I'll post more when I'm safetly in Philadelphia and tell you all about my adventures!
So far today I showered, folded my laundry, packed (mostly) to go to my friend's college overnight, ate breakfast, read some of my Philosophy homework, watched a short film, watched most of LOST, cleared out my camera, talked to Jer and Wyoming and Daytona, Cleaned a decent bit of my dorm, and wrote a number of blog entries before deciding to continue with this one.
Who says you can't be productive before noon?
After myPaleoanthropology class tonight I'm heading a few hours south to spend the night at another college with Pookie, K, and Anne. I'll post more when I'm safetly in Philadelphia and tell you all about my adventures!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
There's Always Time
Over the weekend I had a slight breakdown. Nothing all that major, just the general "ahh what the hell am I going to do with my life" sort of thing. It lasted a few hours then passed. But as a side effect to the freak out, I've ended up feeling sick for a few days. My stress has actually begun to show long-term effects. Because of this, I've decided to start to take some steps to relax.
For example, I decided last night to drop one of my unnecessary classes. Now I don't have any more than two classes most days of the week, except for Tuesday when I have three (each class separated by at least an hour). Also, while I've planned out my homework over the course of the week, I purposely left tonight empty. Instead of worrying about homework, I watched a movie in bed while I choked down my 8th glass of water. Because when I called my mom in tears due to a hypochondriac freak out this morning, she said to drink more water. This actually keeps the brain from shrinking or something crazy like that. Personally, I believe that drinking water wards away the crazy.
Also, I'm not worried about cleaning right now. Usually I spend 20-30 minutes every day agonizing over dishes and keeping my clothes away and making sure all of my books and papers are stacked by size. I decided that I'm just going to let it go for the night.
Today's Pick 5:
Older Chests: Damien Rice
Gathering Dust: David Gray
Bowl of Oranges: Bright Eyes
Movie Script Ending: Deathcab For Cutie
Birds: Kate Nash-
For example, I decided last night to drop one of my unnecessary classes. Now I don't have any more than two classes most days of the week, except for Tuesday when I have three (each class separated by at least an hour). Also, while I've planned out my homework over the course of the week, I purposely left tonight empty. Instead of worrying about homework, I watched a movie in bed while I choked down my 8th glass of water. Because when I called my mom in tears due to a hypochondriac freak out this morning, she said to drink more water. This actually keeps the brain from shrinking or something crazy like that. Personally, I believe that drinking water wards away the crazy.
Also, I'm not worried about cleaning right now. Usually I spend 20-30 minutes every day agonizing over dishes and keeping my clothes away and making sure all of my books and papers are stacked by size. I decided that I'm just going to let it go for the night.
Today's Pick 5:
Older Chests: Damien Rice
"So pass me by, I'll be fine. Just give me time. Older gents sit on the fence,
with their cap in hand, looking grand, they watch their city change. Children
scream, or so it seems, louder than before. Out of doors, and into stores with
bigger names."
Gathering Dust: David Gray
" Now the wind it is blowing, blowing leaves from the trees. I got no use
knowing, that with time it'll ease. I don't know where I'm going, hope I get
there soon, 'cause my soul's as hollow as the sorrowful moon."
Bowl of Oranges: Bright Eyes
"We'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve, of love's uneven
remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole."
Movie Script Ending: Deathcab For Cutie
"Whenever i come back, the air on railroad is making the same
sounds. And the shop fronts on holly are dirty words (asterisks in for the
vowels). We peered through the windows... new bottoms on barstools but the
people remain the same, with prices inflating."
Birds: Kate Nash-
"He said 'let me try and explain again...Right Birds can fly so high and they
can shit on your head, well they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel
so scared. But when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful, thats
how I feel about you.'"
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Slipping
I am one of those people who hates Valentine's Day, even when I'm in a relationship. Yeah, I know, add that to my dislike of Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and the Fourth of July and I'm pretty much a regular scrooge. I've always done my best to escape attention and affection on February 14th. But particularly this year, after the entire Alex fiasco and my inability to tell my parents about my bisexuality and some very recent (and heartbreaking) realizations in my personal life, I'm just really not in the mood to spend a ridiculous amount of money on furthering Hallmark's annual revenue so that I can hand someone a slip of paper with pre-recorded sentiment on it.
Maybe that makes me a bad person, but with all of the insanity and malcontent in my life and among the people that I know, I just don't have the heart to care anymore. Realistically, I'm just trying to get through this month without a complete mental breakdown. But taking into account this weekend so far and last weekend in addition to the weeks in between, I really don't think that my wish is going to be an amazing success.
Today's Pick 5 (selected from 'Recently Played' in itunes):
Gray or Blue: Jaymay-
Her Morning Elegance: Oren Lavie-
Maybe that makes me a bad person, but with all of the insanity and malcontent in my life and among the people that I know, I just don't have the heart to care anymore. Realistically, I'm just trying to get through this month without a complete mental breakdown. But taking into account this weekend so far and last weekend in addition to the weeks in between, I really don't think that my wish is going to be an amazing success.
Today's Pick 5 (selected from 'Recently Played' in itunes):
Gray or Blue: Jaymay-
Landed: Ben Folds-"Don't second guess your feelings, you were right from the start, and I know
that she's your lover, but she's nowhere near your heart. This city is for
strangers as the sky is for the stars."
"Back when I was still in love, 'till I opened my eyes and walked out the door,
and the clouds came tumbling down"
Her Morning Elegance: Oren Lavie-
" And she fights for her life as she puts on her coat, and she fights for herShine: The Morning of-
life on the train. She looks at the rain as it pours. And she fights for her
life as she goes to the store, where the thought she has caught by a thread. She
pays for her bread and she goes. Nobody knows."
" Never felt this way in my whole life. Never had this feeling before tonight.A Lack of Color: Deathcab for Cutie-
Can't get you off my mind, 'cause you shine oh you know you shine."
"This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years. And all the girls and
every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone. I'm reaching for the
phone, to call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come
home. But I know its too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Cast of Characters: Philly Edition
Every person has a core group of people they're around often. When I moved up to the New York area I kept in touch with a handful of my friends from back home, some of whom I've mentioned before and some who will be mentioned in the future. I realized this afternoon that I had never bothered to introduce most (if any) of them, so here we go:
[Wyoming]
Probably the person I see the most from my South Jersey group. She's the sort of friend that just knows when you need something, and just wants to be there for you. Our relationship is special because we drive each other nuts, but we've both reached the point where we understand the situations and we don't let stupid shit get in the way. I've known her since I was seven, which is a really long time, although we've only been close the last few years.
[Dayton]
This kid drove me insane for three years. We met junior year in high school when I got switched into his study hall one day a week. He is easily the funniest person on the face of this planet, wittier than anyone can possibly imagine. Wyoming and him are together, and I see them both pretty frequently. We've gotten to be pretty good friends over the last few months, and he and Wyoming pretty much keep me from throwing myself off a cliff from boredom and loneliness.
[Topher]
I have to work to keep this one short because Topher and I have a friendship that I don't know what I would do without. There isn't a single thing that I can't tell him or ask him. When my life is at its hardest I run to him, and he has never turned me away. I have learned more about myself through our friendship than I could have hoped to by myself. He challenges me to be a better person, and to overcome the shittier aspects of my rabidly depressing personality. In fact, the only truely unkind words he's ever said to me (that were unprovoked) were: "Don't play Left4Dead on my username, you'll ruin my score".
[SM]
Reality really defies this kid. You all know him as Halfcyborg, the film boy-genius whose struggles with the Bolex become the focus of multiple "RAGH!" texts every few weeks. I've known this kid since kindergarten, when I convinced my little 5 year old self that we were meant to be best friends because his cubbie was on the opposite side of mine. Fast forward a few years later and we are mached up once again, this time by our mutual interest in Art (Him being rather talented, Me being that kid who throws paint on canvas and screams "Masterpiece!") as well as our mutual terribleness at Halo and most other Xbox related ventures. He pops up every few months with a full beard and a christmas shirt to remind us all that we're really not as creative as we think we are, and that our colleges are really Mucho Suck compared to his. He's a great guy, and I realize now that I should tell more stories where he is involved.
[Jereality]
This chica probably gets most common mention on here, because we've been friends for quite awhile and our online ventures have always been pretty hilarious. We were largely inseperable in high school, and people had a tendency to get nervous when they saw one of us without the other. My personal belief is because they knew that while together we could inflict plenty of damage, it was better to have us both present and accounted for than to only know where one was.
[Alex]
I'm not delving too far into this one, because it just isn't all that worth it. Alex is a great kid who I have been involved with off and on for probably six to seven years. At some point we'll hopefully be able to have a real friendship again, but for right now the jabs and yelling (most often on my part) have led to us keeping our distance from one another for a bit. But Alex has always been a funny, well-intentioned guy who is working his ass off trying to be the best Mad Scientist that he can be in as nerdy of a way as possible.
So there you have it, the "Cast" of characters for my Philadelphia life. This is an incomplete list, of course, and I will certainly have to write a part two or three and probably even a cast for my New York side of the week.
[Wyoming]
Probably the person I see the most from my South Jersey group. She's the sort of friend that just knows when you need something, and just wants to be there for you. Our relationship is special because we drive each other nuts, but we've both reached the point where we understand the situations and we don't let stupid shit get in the way. I've known her since I was seven, which is a really long time, although we've only been close the last few years.
[Dayton]
This kid drove me insane for three years. We met junior year in high school when I got switched into his study hall one day a week. He is easily the funniest person on the face of this planet, wittier than anyone can possibly imagine. Wyoming and him are together, and I see them both pretty frequently. We've gotten to be pretty good friends over the last few months, and he and Wyoming pretty much keep me from throwing myself off a cliff from boredom and loneliness.
[Topher]
I have to work to keep this one short because Topher and I have a friendship that I don't know what I would do without. There isn't a single thing that I can't tell him or ask him. When my life is at its hardest I run to him, and he has never turned me away. I have learned more about myself through our friendship than I could have hoped to by myself. He challenges me to be a better person, and to overcome the shittier aspects of my rabidly depressing personality. In fact, the only truely unkind words he's ever said to me (that were unprovoked) were: "Don't play Left4Dead on my username, you'll ruin my score".
[SM]
Reality really defies this kid. You all know him as Halfcyborg, the film boy-genius whose struggles with the Bolex become the focus of multiple "RAGH!" texts every few weeks. I've known this kid since kindergarten, when I convinced my little 5 year old self that we were meant to be best friends because his cubbie was on the opposite side of mine. Fast forward a few years later and we are mached up once again, this time by our mutual interest in Art (Him being rather talented, Me being that kid who throws paint on canvas and screams "Masterpiece!") as well as our mutual terribleness at Halo and most other Xbox related ventures. He pops up every few months with a full beard and a christmas shirt to remind us all that we're really not as creative as we think we are, and that our colleges are really Mucho Suck compared to his. He's a great guy, and I realize now that I should tell more stories where he is involved.
[Jereality]
This chica probably gets most common mention on here, because we've been friends for quite awhile and our online ventures have always been pretty hilarious. We were largely inseperable in high school, and people had a tendency to get nervous when they saw one of us without the other. My personal belief is because they knew that while together we could inflict plenty of damage, it was better to have us both present and accounted for than to only know where one was.
[Alex]
I'm not delving too far into this one, because it just isn't all that worth it. Alex is a great kid who I have been involved with off and on for probably six to seven years. At some point we'll hopefully be able to have a real friendship again, but for right now the jabs and yelling (most often on my part) have led to us keeping our distance from one another for a bit. But Alex has always been a funny, well-intentioned guy who is working his ass off trying to be the best Mad Scientist that he can be in as nerdy of a way as possible.
So there you have it, the "Cast" of characters for my Philadelphia life. This is an incomplete list, of course, and I will certainly have to write a part two or three and probably even a cast for my New York side of the week.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
New Beginnings
Week one of the second semester is almost over. I must admit, I believe that I am probably in way over my head.
Because last semester was so easy, I decided to challenge myself this time around. Hence, half of my classes are upper level classes, and a fourth class is a language. I have two other one-oh-one's, Literature and Philosophy, both of which I had experience in during Senior year of High School so I'm not expecting too much trouble as far as those classes go. Of course, as I attempt to read my Paleoanthropology book and fail to recognize 1/3 of all of the words on the first page, I feel my heart sink. The sheer amount of work belonging to my Politics class in addition to trying to learn Mandarin Chinese in fourteen weeks is daunting. All of this is stacked neatly on top of technical difficulties in my dorm building, where there is no wireless Internet access anymore, and the only port for the Internet that works in my room was hidden behind my closet for an entire semester. Its secret remained until my roommate and I, desperate for Internet access, moved both our closets today in hopes of finding a port. We were successful, and now we can take turns getting online. This is a relief for me, because I haven't been able to get an in-depth look at the news since I left Philadelphia on Monday. And of course, during the course of the week, some things have happened.
The most important of these things is the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Yes, I know that I haven't written about the election much (if at all), partially out of business and mostly because my personal beliefs are not meant to influence others, particularly in the realm of voting. Because of this I didn't want to discuss politics before the election, and with the post election whirlwind I just never got around to discussing some thoughts.
Now, I created a blog based on politics so I won't delve too deeply here, but I would like to express my relief. The damages done by former President Bush and his Vice President were horrendous and damaging to the psyche of the American spirit, as well as our reputation and ability to act as a part of international affairs. Our Constitution went largely ignored for the eight years that these two turkeys ran around in Washington. Obama's Presidency is already turning around some of the damages bestowed upon the people of the world with an Executive Order to close Guantanamo in exactly one year. All trials (part of the Military Commissions Act- but we won't get into what a joke that was) have been suspended and will be re-evaluated, the writ of Habeus Corpus has been instated for these prisoners, and even their cell conditions are being re-evaluated within the next thirty days. (If you want to read the Order yourself, go to www.aclu.org where they will link the pdf file to you). Also worth mentioning is Obama's focus on science in his speech... "we will restore science to its rightful place". This could mean many things. Speculation among the people I know believe that this is either an obvious reference to environmental policy or an indirect reference to Stem Cell Research. The latter is a field America has fallen far behind in, because while European countries spent time and money developing Stem Cell technology, the American Government had all but halted all research and funding.
Either way, Obama's first 100 days seem to be off to a very productive start.
Because last semester was so easy, I decided to challenge myself this time around. Hence, half of my classes are upper level classes, and a fourth class is a language. I have two other one-oh-one's, Literature and Philosophy, both of which I had experience in during Senior year of High School so I'm not expecting too much trouble as far as those classes go. Of course, as I attempt to read my Paleoanthropology book and fail to recognize 1/3 of all of the words on the first page, I feel my heart sink. The sheer amount of work belonging to my Politics class in addition to trying to learn Mandarin Chinese in fourteen weeks is daunting. All of this is stacked neatly on top of technical difficulties in my dorm building, where there is no wireless Internet access anymore, and the only port for the Internet that works in my room was hidden behind my closet for an entire semester. Its secret remained until my roommate and I, desperate for Internet access, moved both our closets today in hopes of finding a port. We were successful, and now we can take turns getting online. This is a relief for me, because I haven't been able to get an in-depth look at the news since I left Philadelphia on Monday. And of course, during the course of the week, some things have happened.
The most important of these things is the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Yes, I know that I haven't written about the election much (if at all), partially out of business and mostly because my personal beliefs are not meant to influence others, particularly in the realm of voting. Because of this I didn't want to discuss politics before the election, and with the post election whirlwind I just never got around to discussing some thoughts.
Now, I created a blog based on politics so I won't delve too deeply here, but I would like to express my relief. The damages done by former President Bush and his Vice President were horrendous and damaging to the psyche of the American spirit, as well as our reputation and ability to act as a part of international affairs. Our Constitution went largely ignored for the eight years that these two turkeys ran around in Washington. Obama's Presidency is already turning around some of the damages bestowed upon the people of the world with an Executive Order to close Guantanamo in exactly one year. All trials (part of the Military Commissions Act- but we won't get into what a joke that was) have been suspended and will be re-evaluated, the writ of Habeus Corpus has been instated for these prisoners, and even their cell conditions are being re-evaluated within the next thirty days. (If you want to read the Order yourself, go to www.aclu.org where they will link the pdf file to you). Also worth mentioning is Obama's focus on science in his speech... "we will restore science to its rightful place". This could mean many things. Speculation among the people I know believe that this is either an obvious reference to environmental policy or an indirect reference to Stem Cell Research. The latter is a field America has fallen far behind in, because while European countries spent time and money developing Stem Cell technology, the American Government had all but halted all research and funding.
Either way, Obama's first 100 days seem to be off to a very productive start.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The New
Yesterday I was hit with a terrifying sort of reality (in a good way) when my friends Wyoming and Dayton and I began to talk seriously about moving in together. Me and Wyoming have been talking about living together for months, and because I spend so much of my time with her, I inevitably see her boyfriend Dayton pretty often as well. Granted, I knew Dayton from high school, because we had classes together, but we actually get along now, which is a recent development. The whole plan is half hypothetical, because I don't have steady employment (I usually managed to make cash during the summertime through internships, but no year-long employment yet) and a few other things have to sort of fall into place for everything to go well.
I said that it was terrifying because as exciting as it is, I can't help but be kind of scared when everything comes down to it. Moving out of my house ASAP has always been my plan, because my parents moved out of their parents' house when they were 18 and I've already got them beat by a year, and if things don't work out this summer I'll probably be 20 when everything comes to fruition. But change has never been something that I've taken to well and when it comes right down to it, the thought of being financially responsible for keeping myself, well, alive... its not completely cheerful all the time. Actually its a little be more like.. "oh fuck... I'm going to forget to feed myself and then I'm going to starve like the fruitbat I've always known that I am".
But in the same breath, I am unbelievably excited. This is something that I've wanted to do for years and years and years. Wyoming and Dayton are two people who I trust. We have similar interests and are all equally responsible when everything comes down to it. Living together feels like it would be an amazing experience to share. To even be able to talk hypotheticals with the two of them has been thrilling and exciting and when I think about it I almost become giddy.
Now all I have to do is find a job to pay my share! (And to stop watching A Haunting, which features plenty of episodes about apartment buildings built on an axe-murderers old hunting area from the 1800's which now feature angry spirits who somehow always prey on the teenager.)
I said that it was terrifying because as exciting as it is, I can't help but be kind of scared when everything comes down to it. Moving out of my house ASAP has always been my plan, because my parents moved out of their parents' house when they were 18 and I've already got them beat by a year, and if things don't work out this summer I'll probably be 20 when everything comes to fruition. But change has never been something that I've taken to well and when it comes right down to it, the thought of being financially responsible for keeping myself, well, alive... its not completely cheerful all the time. Actually its a little be more like.. "oh fuck... I'm going to forget to feed myself and then I'm going to starve like the fruitbat I've always known that I am".
But in the same breath, I am unbelievably excited. This is something that I've wanted to do for years and years and years. Wyoming and Dayton are two people who I trust. We have similar interests and are all equally responsible when everything comes down to it. Living together feels like it would be an amazing experience to share. To even be able to talk hypotheticals with the two of them has been thrilling and exciting and when I think about it I almost become giddy.
Now all I have to do is find a job to pay my share! (And to stop watching A Haunting, which features plenty of episodes about apartment buildings built on an axe-murderers old hunting area from the 1800's which now feature angry spirits who somehow always prey on the teenager.)
Friday, January 16, 2009
'Cause the Crazy just wasn't as fun when it was only in my head.
I am a hypochondriac. I have been ever since I was in the eighth grade. Basically what this means, is that... if I get a bloody nose? You can pretty much bet I'm googling Leukemia. If my side hurts, I have researched Organ Failure on Wikipedia. Web MD should charge me for all of the advice that I find on their website. Oh, and the other thing? I hate going to the doctor. So I self- diagnose a lot. Because in all honesty, I don't trust doctors at all. Yeah, I'm basically a crazy person. Nice to meet you.
Of course, I have been living with my own idiosyncrasies for years and years and years, so I'm used to it and while I usually have some sort of ailment-related panic attack once a month, I can generally handle it. However when it comes to my pets, I'm insane.
I have two cats and a hamster. I used to have a fish, but he died. We won't talk about the fish... after about a year (which is much longer than I anticipated having him...i mean, it was a fish...those things are supposed to have the life spans of two weeks) my care-giving declined and by the time I left for college he had been given to my mother, who celebrated this responsibility by killing him after two months. Yay. Hey, look at that, we talked about the fish!
ANYWAY, for Christmas I was given Haruka. Why? Because I've wanted a hamster since I was ten. And then I had that breakup, and my friends sort of went through a period where they all either hated each other or were really busy, so I was kinda lonely. Yeah, I filled my loneliness with an animal. I dare you to judge me. I DARE YOU!
Well, it seems that my hypochondria and OCD has carried into my hamster care. Every day I give Haruka multiple look overs. I can tell you every kink in her fur, the colors in every part of her body, and the length of her teeth. Her schedule and her likes are completely down pat. I can tell you when she's cold or when her heart has sped up the slightest bit or when she's grumpy. That's right! I'm the crazy hamster lady! This better go on my list of accomplishments after I die, right below "Saviour of the World" and "The only woman to live through the night while having her window open in seven degree weather" **
** I live in incredibly cold temperatures because, believe it or not, extreme cold keeps germs from flourishing. So I am cold pretty much at all times.
Of course, I have been living with my own idiosyncrasies for years and years and years, so I'm used to it and while I usually have some sort of ailment-related panic attack once a month, I can generally handle it. However when it comes to my pets, I'm insane.
I have two cats and a hamster. I used to have a fish, but he died. We won't talk about the fish... after about a year (which is much longer than I anticipated having him...i mean, it was a fish...those things are supposed to have the life spans of two weeks) my care-giving declined and by the time I left for college he had been given to my mother, who celebrated this responsibility by killing him after two months. Yay. Hey, look at that, we talked about the fish!
ANYWAY, for Christmas I was given Haruka. Why? Because I've wanted a hamster since I was ten. And then I had that breakup, and my friends sort of went through a period where they all either hated each other or were really busy, so I was kinda lonely. Yeah, I filled my loneliness with an animal. I dare you to judge me. I DARE YOU!
Well, it seems that my hypochondria and OCD has carried into my hamster care. Every day I give Haruka multiple look overs. I can tell you every kink in her fur, the colors in every part of her body, and the length of her teeth. Her schedule and her likes are completely down pat. I can tell you when she's cold or when her heart has sped up the slightest bit or when she's grumpy. That's right! I'm the crazy hamster lady! This better go on my list of accomplishments after I die, right below "Saviour of the World" and "The only woman to live through the night while having her window open in seven degree weather" **
** I live in incredibly cold temperatures because, believe it or not, extreme cold keeps germs from flourishing. So I am cold pretty much at all times.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ohhhhh Boy
Ugh, so I'm trying to wake up right now, I really am. A friend is coming by so we can go get some coffee and catch up in an hour, and I'm still in my pajamas, in bed. Stupid me stayed up until three thirty in the morning, talking on the phone. I never talk on the phone. In general, I am an entirely too awkward person for phone conversations. The ability to say the right things in order with any sort of cohesion to what the other person is saying completely escapes me. Granted, this escapes me in day to day life too... talking to someone in person. But then at least I can make a joke or start jumping around and just pretend to be crazy.
But I had been talking to someone online from school for the last few days, once of those endless conversations, you know? And last night I got a text asking if I would talk to him on the phone. Of course, I straight out told him... "I am an incredibly awkward phone conversationalist" but he didn't care, and called anyways. We talked for a few hours and then went our seperate ways.
Why am I explaining all of this?
Because my plan, once again, to go to bed at 11 was foiled by my complete lack of willpower. Instead I wrote until 1:30, then talked on the phone for two hours. Excellent decision making skills, I mean really. This is the sort of thing that Dr. Phil screams about until he is blue in the face.
But whatever, it was a good night and it has all the potential to be a good day!
-Sarah Elizabeth
But I had been talking to someone online from school for the last few days, once of those endless conversations, you know? And last night I got a text asking if I would talk to him on the phone. Of course, I straight out told him... "I am an incredibly awkward phone conversationalist" but he didn't care, and called anyways. We talked for a few hours and then went our seperate ways.
Why am I explaining all of this?
Because my plan, once again, to go to bed at 11 was foiled by my complete lack of willpower. Instead I wrote until 1:30, then talked on the phone for two hours. Excellent decision making skills, I mean really. This is the sort of thing that Dr. Phil screams about until he is blue in the face.
But whatever, it was a good night and it has all the potential to be a good day!
-Sarah Elizabeth
Thursday, January 8, 2009
<3
I haven't been posting lately for a myriad of reasons. At first, it was because I spent the first week or so of my break utterly devastated. As you undoubtedly read, things weren't that great around here for awhile. But life went on, things got better, and I finally managed to get that thing we call closure (synonym for: That reason we no longer bang out heads against a desk screaming WHY WHY WHY). Then I wasn't posting for a completely different reason: I've been so happy, I haven't thought to post because I've been doing things.
In the last few weeks, I've been really good. Great, actually. Even with some of the remaining repercussions of the drama in my life, I've been good. Happy, and excited, and motivated to get up in the early afternoon (I'd say morning, but I'm up all night so I sleep through the morning for sanity purposes). I've felt inspired to read again, to write, to sing out loud and bead and shower and actually run a brush through my hair. I put on clean clothes now, I eat food that isn't shitty, and I excercise while listening to the most exciting music you'll ever hear. I communicate with my mother without biting sarcasm and I haven't uttered the words "I hate my life" in days. Things still aren't perfect, but life never is, and I'm just so excited to actually want to be a part of society and life to really worry about the imperfections. Because yeah, sometime soon I will have to deal with them. But for right now, I'm working on the now and the here.
-Sarah Elizabeth
In the last few weeks, I've been really good. Great, actually. Even with some of the remaining repercussions of the drama in my life, I've been good. Happy, and excited, and motivated to get up in the early afternoon (I'd say morning, but I'm up all night so I sleep through the morning for sanity purposes). I've felt inspired to read again, to write, to sing out loud and bead and shower and actually run a brush through my hair. I put on clean clothes now, I eat food that isn't shitty, and I excercise while listening to the most exciting music you'll ever hear. I communicate with my mother without biting sarcasm and I haven't uttered the words "I hate my life" in days. Things still aren't perfect, but life never is, and I'm just so excited to actually want to be a part of society and life to really worry about the imperfections. Because yeah, sometime soon I will have to deal with them. But for right now, I'm working on the now and the here.
-Sarah Elizabeth
Monday, January 5, 2009
Haruka Onigiri
So I know I promised some hamster photos but do you have any idea how impossible it is to take a photo of an animal who never stops moving? I mean really, I did all but squish her to calm her down and nothing worked! So I took some video, and you will watch it, because there are at least three of you out there who love me and by extention my animals.
So without further ado, please meet Haruka Onigiri (Japanese literally translated means Flower Rice Ball)
:)
Update! It appears due to the shittasticness of my camera, Haruka can not be seen. I'll try again another day, then.
So without further ado, please meet Haruka Onigiri (Japanese literally translated means Flower Rice Ball)
:)
Update! It appears due to the shittasticness of my camera, Haruka can not be seen. I'll try again another day, then.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Photos
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I've been looking into photography, despite my terribly shitty camera. Here are a few of my nicer shots, 
more later after I've obtained some sleep.
more later after I've obtained some sleep.
Skeletons
In the last few days I saw my entire future open up, and suddenly many of my misgivings about my Now and my Then as they relate to my Soon and my Far have gone away. They just flew right out of my head. Suddenly I didn't care about how old I was anymore, or about what I want when I'm twenty five or anything like that. Right now I just want to focus on this month, maybe a little bit of next month, and that rest can come when it wants to.
Right now I am just living day to day, learning new recipes and writing when I can and playing with scrap metal to make things and beading and knitting and taking photos. I hope to share some of these creations with everyone soon. Keep an eye out for a etsy shop in the coming weeks.
Right now I am just living day to day, learning new recipes and writing when I can and playing with scrap metal to make things and beading and knitting and taking photos. I hope to share some of these creations with everyone soon. Keep an eye out for a etsy shop in the coming weeks.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2009 begins
When I was a kid, New Years Eve was one of my favorite holidays. It was the only night that I was allowed to stay up all night long, while I ate serious amounts of junk food and hung with my friends (who were the kids of my parent's friends). We would all bang pots and pans together with wooden spoons when the clock struck twelve and we would watch the fireworks between a few trees that were being set off in Philly. Every year I would try my best to stay up as late as possible, but I usually crashed between three and four, either on the floor or at the end of a couch between a few of my parent's friends. One year, the only place I could find was the floor right in front of the TV (because sleeping in your own bed on New Years is blasphemy when you're seven) so I laid on the hard wood with a blanket and watched Phish give a celebratory concert. The next morning, everyone who was left would stumble to breakfast, and the new year would begin.
Now, I usually go out with friends on New Years. For some reason I ended up going to three different get togethers this year. First I went to Wyoming's house where she was celebrating with her neighbors and boyfriend. We watched I Love Lucy and AFV for a few hours and talked. Afterwards I shivered home in the ridiculous cold to feed my hamster (a christmas gift, I'll post photos when I get some decent ones) and pick up some baked goods before I called Jereality to see where she was. Jereality was at Topher's house with the rest of the guys, and since he lives around the corner from me I met up with her there to hang for a half hour. Typical of the guys they played video games and ate junk food while sprawled on some couches in the Den while Jer and I watched (and occasionally participated).
About an hour before midnight we drove to JK's house. Its tradition to officially bring the New Year in at her house with sparkling cider in pretty glasses and frenzies of photographs. We counted down with Anderson Cooper before venturing out into the cold, cold street to watch her neighbors light off fireworks and listen to other parties of people scream. We warmed up inside for a few hours before Jer and I took to her car again to return to Topher's. When we walked in we noticed that the guys had just gone on a replenishing junk food run. It was nearly 3 a.m. at this point and we talked for a few hours before returning to the den under blankets and sleeping bags to play Soul Caliber in increasingly ridiculous states of mind. Jer and I stayed until 7.
Anyone who has stayed up all night understands the feeling you get when you realize you've worn yesterday's clothes for almost 24 hours and your teeth haven't been brushed in at least 12. They also understand the intense sleep-deprivation that drives you to a state not unlike laziness. I stumbled home to shower and change, but first spent twenty minutes curled up on my bedroom floor pretending to dream but really just listening to my hamster (Haruka) squeak on her wheel in her cage. It wasn't until I got a text from Alex that I got moving, got myself ready, and then stumbled out the door for the last time today to get breakfast with everyone from Topher and JK's house.
Breakfast was an incredibly quiet ordeal with the ten of us crowded around a few tables. We ate, joked sparingly, but mostly we mumbled about being tired or continued last night's inside jokes before we paid the check and drove home. By the time Jer pulled up to my house I had resolved to go straight to bed, and I barely got my shoes off and changed into proper pajamas before I was asleep on my pillow, completely unbothered by the glaring sunlight.
Now, I usually go out with friends on New Years. For some reason I ended up going to three different get togethers this year. First I went to Wyoming's house where she was celebrating with her neighbors and boyfriend. We watched I Love Lucy and AFV for a few hours and talked. Afterwards I shivered home in the ridiculous cold to feed my hamster (a christmas gift, I'll post photos when I get some decent ones) and pick up some baked goods before I called Jereality to see where she was. Jereality was at Topher's house with the rest of the guys, and since he lives around the corner from me I met up with her there to hang for a half hour. Typical of the guys they played video games and ate junk food while sprawled on some couches in the Den while Jer and I watched (and occasionally participated).
About an hour before midnight we drove to JK's house. Its tradition to officially bring the New Year in at her house with sparkling cider in pretty glasses and frenzies of photographs. We counted down with Anderson Cooper before venturing out into the cold, cold street to watch her neighbors light off fireworks and listen to other parties of people scream. We warmed up inside for a few hours before Jer and I took to her car again to return to Topher's. When we walked in we noticed that the guys had just gone on a replenishing junk food run. It was nearly 3 a.m. at this point and we talked for a few hours before returning to the den under blankets and sleeping bags to play Soul Caliber in increasingly ridiculous states of mind. Jer and I stayed until 7.
Anyone who has stayed up all night understands the feeling you get when you realize you've worn yesterday's clothes for almost 24 hours and your teeth haven't been brushed in at least 12. They also understand the intense sleep-deprivation that drives you to a state not unlike laziness. I stumbled home to shower and change, but first spent twenty minutes curled up on my bedroom floor pretending to dream but really just listening to my hamster (Haruka) squeak on her wheel in her cage. It wasn't until I got a text from Alex that I got moving, got myself ready, and then stumbled out the door for the last time today to get breakfast with everyone from Topher and JK's house.
Breakfast was an incredibly quiet ordeal with the ten of us crowded around a few tables. We ate, joked sparingly, but mostly we mumbled about being tired or continued last night's inside jokes before we paid the check and drove home. By the time Jer pulled up to my house I had resolved to go straight to bed, and I barely got my shoes off and changed into proper pajamas before I was asleep on my pillow, completely unbothered by the glaring sunlight.
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