Ugh.

Some Things From Today:

Woke up, checked e-mail, got a letter, laid back in bed.
Got coffee with JL, we played Candy Land with some kids. Made plans for later this month.
Came home, got a migraine, read Gilmore Girls and laid on the couch for an hour.
Talked to Alex, got a text from BW, listened to Deathcab and felt okay.
Went to Wyoming's to see her and Dayton. Watched Jackass. Got a ride home.
Listened to old Yellowcard CD. Realized I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Worried because I've stopped taking initiative in my classes, because I don't actually want to be there.

I'm so fucked.

A Convo

From xkcd:
COMPLETELY UNRELATED:

Me (on phone): Hey Brother?

Brother: Yeah?

Me: Can I borrow your black shirt?

B: Why?

Me: I'm going out and the only shirt I have has paint on it. I don't want to look like a complete skank.

B: You can, but only if you still look half skanky.

Me: Okay, I'll make sure my pants don't fit, then.

B: Then you can borrow the shirt.

Indeed

There is a specific scent today, the scent of blustery winds against sixty degree weather. I'm laying on my bed- laughingly disheveled with floral sheets and a solid black quilt. Nothing matches, not even the pillows. My room is lime green, which has always struck me as a strange color to chose. Green hasn't been my favorite color since childhood. Six years ago, when I chose the color, I loved purple. But this green, bright and acidic, hasn't gotten old yet. It appeals to my less than girlie nature, I've never been one for frills or intricacy or pretty details.
My lack of femininity has always been a significant part of my life. Its why I always had little interest in children, and why my friends always tended to be guys. My inability to appreciate chivalry has drawn lines through my relationships, and I can only name a handful where that line was respected, and those are the relationships I can look back on with smiles. The clothes in my closet: Jeans and solid-colored t-shirts, display little or no girlishness at all. In truth, I own one skirt and one shirt with any hint of lace. They are both black. My shoes are covered in mud from the time I decided that sidewalks were terrible, but didn't realize that the ground was so soft that there was a good four inches of boggish coating above the ground. My one set of heels, purchased for prom before being downgraded as "work shoes" (my one skirt served a similar purpose, being bought for a funeral before spending summertime in an office building), are scuffed and broken. Makeup and long hair may be the only definitively girlie aspects of my person.
... the bisexual thing was a long time coming, wasn't it*? :k

* This conclusion wasn't exactly where this post was going... but the realization struck so clearly that I just couldn't bring myself to finish my train of thought.

Turning

In the wee hours of this morning, I was talking to Alex and I came to a semi-realization. I say semi because I've talked about it so many times, but really I try not to think about it. The truth is, I am almost completely uninterested in going to college. I knew this before I graduated from high school, and before I even filled out college applications. But getting anything other than a four year degree is not an option in my family (neither of my parents finished college).

I told Alex that ideally, I would get a few jobs working in some artsy or nerdy shops around Philadelphia, while living in my own studio in either the city or a nearby town on the Jersey side. I know that whatever I would end up doing, degree or not, will require working in a city and probably some sort of commute by train. I've realized over the last few months that I love splitting my time between two cities. The movement, and the accessibility has been amazing. I can get cheap food and find activists of any nature near New York, while spending calm nights and coffee hours with friends down by Philadelphia. Of course, there are the negatives of each location, but ultimately I get to live the "best of both worlds", just so long as I keep my energy positive.

On another note, the Age of the Aquarius is among us (every 2,000 years the ages change. The last age we lived in was the age of the Pisces. That began around the same time as Jesus). The Age of Aquarius is all about Unity and Love, so the next 2,000 years should be an amazing part of this Earth's life. The Age of the Pisces was a male dominated age, and those times are coming to a close now. Of course, as a part of this, the "end of the world" in 2012 (because there are people who actually think the world will end!) is actually a separation between the enlightened and the unenlightened. This whole "event" is really difficult to explain without hand motions signifying wholeness and a lot of love, so I encourage anyone who understands to try and explain it to the people close to them! (Likewise, if you know me personally and you want to know, please ask!).

I guess that being said, there are a lot of things going on in my life right now, and today I actually felt the shift. Yes, I am impatient to get out of college so I can actually begin to live the life that I want to live. But I've been presented with an opportunity to meet new, wonderful people and to feel closer to friends from my past. And yeah, it can be frustrating feeling like a nomad sometimes, but I've learned a lot through the splitting of my time and now I've come to actually enjoy it. The biggest issue has always been the lovely tangle I've made out of my relationships, and I decided to just let things happen. I'm not tying myself to people anymore, because this creates unneeded stress on not only me, but them too. After talking to Alex, everything that's been ugly between us for so many months felt like it melted away, and we were speaking more as if we were remembering good times than as if we were fighting to fit some sort of forced friendship.

Its all about the energy!

-Sarah elizabeth

The World's Watchful Eyes

Okay, so I've been an advocate for Darfur since I don't even know when... but I was a sophomore in high school (I know this because I can remember talking avidly about the issue to my boyfriend at the time while we crossed the train tracks on the way home from school. But we may have not been dating. I pretended to have to walk home a lot so that I could sneakily spend extra time with him. This was a digression... which will be over in 3...2...1...)

Anyway, the genocide in Darfur was what prompted me to want to take action against human rights abuses. It all started with a speech by Angelina Jolie, who was new to the UNHCR post and had just finished a multi-national tour to numerous third-world countries across the planet (including war torn Afghanistan, and post civil-war Sierra Leone). Her speech was on CSPAN, and I just remember feeling angry and appalled. She was speaking about an issue where (at the time) a million people were displaced and 100,000 had died. Those numbers have officially tripled (although unofficially, they have quadrupled... but not many agencies are publishing those numbers for some ungodly reason).

The genocide itself is government sanctioned, coming from Omar Al-Bashir and his cabinet. Of course, the militia get their guns from the Chinese, because China gets their oil from Sudan and that's just how trade works these days. Chalk it up for yet another reason we need another source of fuel- preferably one that doesn't fund mass murder. But alas, another digression!

Anyway, in August Bashir was brought up on charged by the ICC. At the time, no one reported this, with the exception of a tiny scroll on CNN that was about 7 words long. The amount of airtime the event received was less then the amount of airtime Chris Brown's rage has received in the last two days. This was absolutely infuriating to myself and anyone else who has been campaigning and petitioning to multiple governments since 2003 (or for me, 2005... I was late to the game. But not as late at the people who had to see George Clooney go on Oprah before figuring it out. God Bless Clooney AND Oprah for globalizing the issue the way grassroots agencies can't!). However, considering the first 5 years of the issue received (literally) 36 minutes of airtime on every American news station this sort of understated, ignorant reaction was expected.

At the time, organizations working closely with the issue reported that it would take six months to know whether the ICC would actually issue a warrant for Bashir's arrest. No leader of a nation has ever been arrested while in office (Charles Taylor, whose trial is ongoing despite his sanctioned atrocities taking place in 1980, was arrested after the fact). Well, the six months have come and gone, and there are whispers of the decision coming from The Hague.

The New York Times has reported that a warrant has been issued for Bashir's arrest. The reporter sourced lawyers and other individuals related to the case. Five hours ago, an official statement from The Hague denied these claims. Whether the New York Times was misinformed, or people related to the case spoke too early is unknown right now. Frankly, I'm prone to believe that the warrant has been issued. The 6 month period has ended, and Bashir has had the audacity to go up for re-election this spring. Better to arrest him at the end of this term than at the beginning of the next one (because we all know, that elections in Africa don't actually elect new leaders, they merely get rigged so that a pre-determined winner remains in office.. *cough* Mugabe *cough*).

The issue is that if Bashir is arrested, the backlash on the people of Darfur, the UN Peacekeepers (the few that were actually deployed), and Journalists could be severe. The restricted green cards that are allowing international aid workers into the country could be revoked, which would sent Amnesty, Save Darfur, and countless other agencies packing and would leave the people defenseless. Extra attacks on the men, women, and children of the region could increase (although statistics right now already declare that any woman above the age of two has been raped if they live in a camp, and because of this their husbands, fathers, brothers are disowning them because of cultural misunderstandings) and even more people could die. Personally, I worry because Sudan, China, and Russia are all allies. The UN would have a bit of a job going up against these three countries united, and the Vice President of Sudan said in August that if Bashir was arrested, a "war" would start.

Its difficult to know how to feel right now, as someone who is so close to this issue. I am relieved and glad that Bashir is being brought up on charges, along with multiple other leaders in this human rights catastrophe. But justice isn't what is realistically important right now. It's hard to point fingers and put someone away for an issue that is continuing as I type this, and has complete potential to get worse. The first priority of the agencies (and I agree) is with the people of this terrified region. When they are safe, and can return to where they called home to rebuild their lives... that's when this devastating chapter in human negligence and hatred can finally close.

A Letter

Dear Alex:
Yesterday I had two dreams about you. In the first, it was two days after our initial breakup, and instead of ignoring one another, you called me. We talked things out, we yelled and I cried, and then you got onto a train and came down and we talked everything out. Then the dream sped up to six months later, and we were still happy and communicating.
Later that night I had another dream, and we were walking around outside, being together and talking. Both dreams had us talking. Then suddenly I was running around my dorm room, throwing clothes into a basket and talking to you on the phone, planning some sort of trip we were going to go on that weekend to New York. My hair was long, and dark, and your voice was deeper.
I woke up more frustrated than upset. Almost exactly a month ago, I let it all go. We stopped talking as much, the fighting stopped, and I've been going out and talking with other guys (very, very casually... not actually "dating" but just being out) and taking steps to make me a happier, less fragile person. But the dreams derailed me a little bit, as vivid dreams often do. Everything you say anymore frustrates me, and I've tried terribly hard to make our relationship a distant memory... the hazy bottom of a muddy lake. But then things like this happen, and its like everything crystallizes and I see everything from the past come together in a clear image.
I suppose this all was triggered because I made an appointment with a counselor on Thursday, and I did it because of what happened, because I'm tired of allowing my Anxiety to run my life. Our breakup was not the first caused by one of my hysterical, anxiety-driven, panic-oriented freakouts. But I can't bear losing what I lost with you again, and I can't bear to see the damage that I've done, with you and my other ex's that I cared for deeply yet walked away from anyway. I can't stand to leave behind me a wake of wretchedness because I was too much of a chickenshit to admit that I am in over my head and I need help. I want to have healthy, loving relationships without waiting for the proverbial axe to drop.
Looking at the dreams, I'm happy that I have the sort of good memories that can still be manifested sometimes. I'll explain: the happiness of our relationship was positive enough that the tiniest blips of memory can still feed into dreams. I'm lucky, not many people have that kind of relationship with anybody where the thought of the memories still bring back the fierce power of the emotion or the frightened shock of loss that can still make my hands shake. I've been shown something powerful, and I can say that I've experienced love that seemed limitless, and I believe that it could have been in time. I'm happy for that, and thankful for that, and I hope that we both experience it again someday.
Sometimes I feel like those few months had enough love for a lifetime.
-Sarah Elizabeth

Cast of Characters Part II: State Edition

Okay, so it occured to me that I am in contact with more people than I introduced, so here are a few more names that you can farmiliarize yourself with, if you so choose.



Fiddles
I've know this girlie since I was thirteen. She was originally a friend of a friend but we got to talking one day and ever since then we'll talk for hours and hours when we get together. Of course, finding time to be together has always been incredibly difficult so we'll only really get to see each other every 6 months unless we're a part of the same activity. There was a period of time in the past where we were dating guys from the same group, which was really awesome at the time because we got to hang out multiple times a week.

BW
He's an ex boyfriend who I had actually been friends with through Art classes in high school. He's a year older than I am so he graduted the year before me. We went out for maybe two months, and things really didn't work out at the time. That was two years ago. Since then we've been in contact here and there, and we hang out every so often. I've always had a lot of fun when we're together, and he's pretty hilarious.

JC
I met JC in seventh grade when she moved to New Jersey. I was apprehensive at first, because I wasn't fond of meeting new people. But now we have a lot of inside jokes and we go to college pretty close to one another, so we'll see each other when we go into the city or somesuch. My caffeine addiction can be attributed largely to her, because I had had nothing but those synthetic wawa cappuchinos until we started hanging out in a real coffee shop on a weekly basis.

K
She dorms next door to JC, and during an NYC trip we took in October, K came along. As it turns out, K and I are almost identical people. I knew she was awesome when her first words to me were... "so you're my doppleganger!" I get the biggest kick out of this chica, and its always great to be tackled by her the second you enter a building. Also, she has an amazing snese of style.

Anne
Also dorms with JC, but is her roommate. She's pretty quiet but definately crazy funny. She's one of those mucho skilled people who speaks 3-4 languages and plays guitar. She also can pretty much throw any outfit together and somehow come out successful, which is the sort of person I've always respected because my own closet weilds little promise to fashionistas anywhere. She makes an excellent threesome with JC and K, and together they're all amazing!

Coming Soon: Cast of Characters: College Edition!

*Update* Please note there is a post under this one, because I scheduled this post to be published on Monday but somehow published it today by mistake. So, you get two posts today... but none tomorrow. Don't fill up too quick! :)

Its all there

I was considerably lucky this weekend in that I got to see many friends who I haven't seen in a long time, and meet people who turned out to be very interesting additions to my experiences. It began on Thursday night, when I took a train to a college mid-state to see my friend JC and some of the other girls who live in the building. I had met many of them before when I stayed overnight in October. The night was full of talking and joking around and eating chinese. The girls from the building trickled into the room one by one, and I was able to spend time getting to know each of them. Of course, I am a rather awkward individual who gives a less than wonderful first impression at times, so a few of the girls may not have loved me, but there were a few who I had a lot in common with and two of the girls who I had known before, K and Anne, were amazing to see and laugh with. As silly as it may sound, the energy in the building is filled with a lot of fun and love and care, which was nice to experience, considering my own dorming situation is so stressed and terrible.
Of course, I briefly saw Wyoming and Daytona on Friday night. I miss them both during the week when I'm not around (escpecially Wyoming) so its always nice to see them. I swear, the two of them keep me mature. Particularly since Wyoming and I got into a tiny disagreement on Saturday and after talking for a bit we were able to blow past it and at least apologize to one another. This is more than I can say for my relationships with most other people, so I'm always grateful when I have a relationship where this sort of communication can exist.
Then on Saturday night I got in contact with an old friend, Fiddles (I will obviously have to do a Friends Cast part II, to introduce the new names). She's the awesomest gal who I unfortunately have never gotten to see anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Generally, we see each other every six months and talk occasionally in-between. But last night we were both semi-free, and had a marathon hangout for hours and hours. We got some Shamrock Shakes and talked for a bit before going to my ex boyfriend BW's house. There was a big group of people there too, most of whom I haven't seen since they graduated or moved to other states. It was a fun night overall.
Later today I'm getting together with BW to hang out, because we've been talking a bit more over the last week or so. I feel really lucky and grateful that this weekend will be filled with so many friends and good times. It'll definately carry me through the week and past next weekend, since I am stuck at my college for a little bit longer than I generally care to be.

Best wishes for a wonderful week ahead!
-Sarah Elizabeth

Dear College.
It has been about five months since I started living on campus, attending your classes, and observing your activities. My very strong hatred for you has waned slightly since returning from winter break, but its far from going away. But that is a seperate story.
Since I began going to college, I've learned a few things. On a personal level, I now realize that my intolerance for idiocy is alive and well. Also, I am an excellent procrastinator. But time would have told me these things anyway, so I don't really owe the information to College, however the swiftness of the discovery does allude to some deserved credit.
I may have mentioned in my last letter that I had joined a club for a little while. This was probably the place I made the most friends. Of course, my schedule no longer allows me to go, and I had kind of started to fade out of the idea anyway. It was a political club, but I wasn't completely aligned with everything they had going on. They're a great organization though, and I wouldn't mind dropping by occasionally in the future if the deathgrip you have on my time would let up.
One of the most useful "life skills" I've aquired over the last few months is a grasp on public transportation. Buses, speedlines, trains, shuttles... I have figured out so much! My anxiety still requires the extensive previewing of schedules and numbers and stops and so forth, but thats okay! At least I'm actually stepping onto the vehicles themselves!
Really, I've just gotten to the point where I know where almost everything is and I can pass back and forth to different things without too much worrying. I've figured out the office hours of most of the campus, and besides the curse of distance getting to everything is pretty easy. I've also been in contact with a few different offices for different reasons, which may or may not be discussed in the future, depending on how things go. Overall I'm surviving "College" pretty well, and I'm learning a lot which is a total bonus!
-Sarah Elizabeth

Slimming The Crowd

Hey everyone!
This is (technically) my 100th post. But since I have only actually posted 51, its not all that big of a celebration. It also says something about my ability to commit to my posts: 49% of them never get seen. That's right, the screening process is pretty tough over here at Starburst! (Also, this may be the first time that I've ever referred to this blog by name. Go figure!)

Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had been sort of talking to a guy on the phone. I was really indifferent as to whether or not things would have progressed from there, because in all honesty, the guy somehow tweaked my number one nerve numerous times inside the "getting-to-know you" phase. This nerve? Its the one that is the pre-cursor to my Creeper Alert. Its the one that sends up the red flag probably much sooner than deserved, but is usually right on the money. It separates the pretentious from the well intentioned, and has saved me from much trouble. The nerve is... when a guy I just met (or anybody, really) thinks they "know" me.

Its easiest to figure out early on. The guy is so secure about himself that he is totally confident making complete assumptions about your person, days after first talking. Frankly, anyone who wants to try to recommend me a movie, book, or band ("I thought of you when I saw this, you'd really like it!") is a red flag in the first week. My reasoning? Because A. You should NOT be thinking about me as a function of your daily life, we've spoken twice. and B. two conversations are not nearly enough to tell you what my tastes are, or vice versa. So what is supposed to be this really fantastic, thoughtful "line", becomes a blind stab in the dark. And yes, this makes me a bit bitchy, but I firmly believe that I am a complex, thought-filled person, whose tastes are not easily understood when the combined time of conversation is equivalent to about four hours.


But I will be completely honest, I let this slide when talking to Boy. I was trying to be open to new people, and I am constantly remembering that I myself, make horrible first impressions, so to expect more of others is unfair. Erego, I ignored Boy's attempts to recommend gory, cheesy, over produced horror films to me and instead tried to focus on other things. He was looking to meet new people, he liked to read, etc. etc. Okay, fine. But neither of those things ended up boding well for this kid either.


It turns out, he wanted to "meet new people" because he desperately wanted to get over his last ex. I can understand that, obviously. In November I was doing all sorts of boy-crazy, idiotic things. But then I realized what I was doing (largely, making an ass out of myself and viciously confusing the other person) and decided to take a step back. What I was NOT understand about, was his favorite sentence: "Girls are bitches." To which I could do little else to reply: "I'm sorry, I always found us to be wonderful."


The latter interest, his love of books, had the potential to be endearing but died sooner than I expected. I received a message one day telling me that he had found three new books, so that he had something to talk to me about. "A" for effort, of course, although I was admittedly weirded out, because at that point, we hadn't spoken in a week (because he had called daily at times where I couldn't answer, and then would text when the phone went to voicemail. After day three of this I began to avoid the calls) and he was putting in WAY more effort than I was comfortable with. Once again, after maybe four hours of conversation.


So the whole thing seemed to have fallen flat as an inappropriate match. Which I was totally okay with, because it gave me some damn good stories to tell Topher. About two weeks ago I assumed that I had heard my last of Boy. But oh, I was wrong.


This morning I got back from my friend's college (late and cold, thanks NJTransit!) and opened my laptop to a message on facebook. Apparently, Boy had been im'd by a girl Sarah a week ago, and thought it was me. Which is cool, mistakes happen and the name's popular. The strange thing was that this mistake took him a week to figure out (so much for knowing me I guess) and when he did, he made a date with this new girl. I was definitely relieved to figure out that he found some other girl. Although I can't help but cringe at all the things he probably now associates with me, particularly since he spent a week talking to someone else and thought it was me. Why he felt the need to let me know about the mistake, and his date, was really strange to me at first. We haven't spoken in two weeks, I officially had walked away from it. It wasn't until Topher told me that Boy was informing me that he was moving on and that I had "missed my chance" that I understood.


Looks like I really lost what could have been True Love!

Today

When I was in high school I would wake up with just enough time to shower, get dressed, and make a breakfast to bring to school with me. But here, particularly since none of my classes start until eleven, I try to wake up three hours early every day. By 7:30, I'm pretty much up and semi-functional.
So far today I showered, folded my laundry, packed (mostly) to go to my friend's college overnight, ate breakfast, read some of my Philosophy homework, watched a short film, watched most of LOST, cleared out my camera, talked to Jer and Wyoming and Daytona, Cleaned a decent bit of my dorm, and wrote a number of blog entries before deciding to continue with this one.
Who says you can't be productive before noon?
After myPaleoanthropology class tonight I'm heading a few hours south to spend the night at another college with Pookie, K, and Anne. I'll post more when I'm safetly in Philadelphia and tell you all about my adventures!

There's Always Time

Over the weekend I had a slight breakdown. Nothing all that major, just the general "ahh what the hell am I going to do with my life" sort of thing. It lasted a few hours then passed. But as a side effect to the freak out, I've ended up feeling sick for a few days. My stress has actually begun to show long-term effects. Because of this, I've decided to start to take some steps to relax.
For example, I decided last night to drop one of my unnecessary classes. Now I don't have any more than two classes most days of the week, except for Tuesday when I have three (each class separated by at least an hour). Also, while I've planned out my homework over the course of the week, I purposely left tonight empty. Instead of worrying about homework, I watched a movie in bed while I choked down my 8th glass of water. Because when I called my mom in tears due to a hypochondriac freak out this morning, she said to drink more water. This actually keeps the brain from shrinking or something crazy like that. Personally, I believe that drinking water wards away the crazy.
Also, I'm not worried about cleaning right now. Usually I spend 20-30 minutes every day agonizing over dishes and keeping my clothes away and making sure all of my books and papers are stacked by size. I decided that I'm just going to let it go for the night.

Today's Pick 5:

Older Chests: Damien Rice

"So pass me by, I'll be fine. Just give me time. Older gents sit on the fence,
with their cap in hand, looking grand, they watch their city change. Children
scream, or so it seems, louder than before. Out of doors, and into stores with
bigger names."

Gathering Dust: David Gray

" Now the wind it is blowing, blowing leaves from the trees. I got no use
knowing, that with time it'll ease. I don't know where I'm going, hope I get
there soon, 'cause my soul's as hollow as the sorrowful moon."

Bowl of Oranges: Bright Eyes

"We'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve, of love's uneven
remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole."

Movie Script Ending: Deathcab For Cutie

"Whenever i come back, the air on railroad is making the same
sounds. And the shop fronts on holly are dirty words (asterisks in for the
vowels). We peered through the windows... new bottoms on barstools but the
people remain the same, with prices inflating."

Birds: Kate Nash-

"He said 'let me try and explain again...Right Birds can fly so high and they
can shit on your head, well they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel
so scared. But when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful, thats
how I feel about you.'"