Slipping

I am one of those people who hates Valentine's Day, even when I'm in a relationship. Yeah, I know, add that to my dislike of Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and the Fourth of July and I'm pretty much a regular scrooge. I've always done my best to escape attention and affection on February 14th. But particularly this year, after the entire Alex fiasco and my inability to tell my parents about my bisexuality and some very recent (and heartbreaking) realizations in my personal life, I'm just really not in the mood to spend a ridiculous amount of money on furthering Hallmark's annual revenue so that I can hand someone a slip of paper with pre-recorded sentiment on it.
Maybe that makes me a bad person, but with all of the insanity and malcontent in my life and among the people that I know, I just don't have the heart to care anymore. Realistically, I'm just trying to get through this month without a complete mental breakdown. But taking into account this weekend so far and last weekend in addition to the weeks in between, I really don't think that my wish is going to be an amazing success.

Today's Pick 5 (selected from 'Recently Played' in itunes):

Gray or Blue: Jaymay-

"Don't second guess your feelings, you were right from the start, and I know
that she's your lover, but she's nowhere near your heart. This city is for
strangers as the sky is for the stars."

Landed: Ben Folds-

"Back when I was still in love, 'till I opened my eyes and walked out the door,
and the clouds came tumbling down"

Her Morning Elegance: Oren Lavie-

" And she fights for her life as she puts on her coat, and she fights for her
life on the train. She looks at the rain as it pours. And she fights for her
life as she goes to the store, where the thought she has caught by a thread. She
pays for her bread and she goes. Nobody knows."

Shine: The Morning of-

" Never felt this way in my whole life. Never had this feeling before tonight.
Can't get you off my mind, 'cause you shine oh you know you shine."

A Lack of Color: Deathcab for Cutie-

"This is fact not fiction, for the first time in years. And all the girls and
every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone. I'm reaching for the
phone, to call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come
home. But I know its too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay."

Cast of Characters: Philly Edition

Every person has a core group of people they're around often. When I moved up to the New York area I kept in touch with a handful of my friends from back home, some of whom I've mentioned before and some who will be mentioned in the future. I realized this afternoon that I had never bothered to introduce most (if any) of them, so here we go:



[Wyoming]

Probably the person I see the most from my South Jersey group. She's the sort of friend that just knows when you need something, and just wants to be there for you. Our relationship is special because we drive each other nuts, but we've both reached the point where we understand the situations and we don't let stupid shit get in the way. I've known her since I was seven, which is a really long time, although we've only been close the last few years.



[Dayton]

This kid drove me insane for three years. We met junior year in high school when I got switched into his study hall one day a week. He is easily the funniest person on the face of this planet, wittier than anyone can possibly imagine. Wyoming and him are together, and I see them both pretty frequently. We've gotten to be pretty good friends over the last few months, and he and Wyoming pretty much keep me from throwing myself off a cliff from boredom and loneliness.



[Topher]

I have to work to keep this one short because Topher and I have a friendship that I don't know what I would do without. There isn't a single thing that I can't tell him or ask him. When my life is at its hardest I run to him, and he has never turned me away. I have learned more about myself through our friendship than I could have hoped to by myself. He challenges me to be a better person, and to overcome the shittier aspects of my rabidly depressing personality. In fact, the only truely unkind words he's ever said to me (that were unprovoked) were: "Don't play Left4Dead on my username, you'll ruin my score".



[SM]

Reality really defies this kid. You all know him as Halfcyborg, the film boy-genius whose struggles with the Bolex become the focus of multiple "RAGH!" texts every few weeks. I've known this kid since kindergarten, when I convinced my little 5 year old self that we were meant to be best friends because his cubbie was on the opposite side of mine. Fast forward a few years later and we are mached up once again, this time by our mutual interest in Art (Him being rather talented, Me being that kid who throws paint on canvas and screams "Masterpiece!") as well as our mutual terribleness at Halo and most other Xbox related ventures. He pops up every few months with a full beard and a christmas shirt to remind us all that we're really not as creative as we think we are, and that our colleges are really Mucho Suck compared to his. He's a great guy, and I realize now that I should tell more stories where he is involved.



[Jereality]

This chica probably gets most common mention on here, because we've been friends for quite awhile and our online ventures have always been pretty hilarious. We were largely inseperable in high school, and people had a tendency to get nervous when they saw one of us without the other. My personal belief is because they knew that while together we could inflict plenty of damage, it was better to have us both present and accounted for than to only know where one was.



[Alex]

I'm not delving too far into this one, because it just isn't all that worth it. Alex is a great kid who I have been involved with off and on for probably six to seven years. At some point we'll hopefully be able to have a real friendship again, but for right now the jabs and yelling (most often on my part) have led to us keeping our distance from one another for a bit. But Alex has always been a funny, well-intentioned guy who is working his ass off trying to be the best Mad Scientist that he can be in as nerdy of a way as possible.





So there you have it, the "Cast" of characters for my Philadelphia life. This is an incomplete list, of course, and I will certainly have to write a part two or three and probably even a cast for my New York side of the week.

New Beginnings

Week one of the second semester is almost over. I must admit, I believe that I am probably in way over my head.
Because last semester was so easy, I decided to challenge myself this time around. Hence, half of my classes are upper level classes, and a fourth class is a language. I have two other one-oh-one's, Literature and Philosophy, both of which I had experience in during Senior year of High School so I'm not expecting too much trouble as far as those classes go. Of course, as I attempt to read my Paleoanthropology book and fail to recognize 1/3 of all of the words on the first page, I feel my heart sink. The sheer amount of work belonging to my Politics class in addition to trying to learn Mandarin Chinese in fourteen weeks is daunting. All of this is stacked neatly on top of technical difficulties in my dorm building, where there is no wireless Internet access anymore, and the only port for the Internet that works in my room was hidden behind my closet for an entire semester. Its secret remained until my roommate and I, desperate for Internet access, moved both our closets today in hopes of finding a port. We were successful, and now we can take turns getting online. This is a relief for me, because I haven't been able to get an in-depth look at the news since I left Philadelphia on Monday. And of course, during the course of the week, some things have happened.
The most important of these things is the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Yes, I know that I haven't written about the election much (if at all), partially out of business and mostly because my personal beliefs are not meant to influence others, particularly in the realm of voting. Because of this I didn't want to discuss politics before the election, and with the post election whirlwind I just never got around to discussing some thoughts.
Now, I created a blog based on politics so I won't delve too deeply here, but I would like to express my relief. The damages done by former President Bush and his Vice President were horrendous and damaging to the psyche of the American spirit, as well as our reputation and ability to act as a part of international affairs. Our Constitution went largely ignored for the eight years that these two turkeys ran around in Washington. Obama's Presidency is already turning around some of the damages bestowed upon the people of the world with an Executive Order to close Guantanamo in exactly one year. All trials (part of the Military Commissions Act- but we won't get into what a joke that was) have been suspended and will be re-evaluated, the writ of Habeus Corpus has been instated for these prisoners, and even their cell conditions are being re-evaluated within the next thirty days. (If you want to read the Order yourself, go to www.aclu.org where they will link the pdf file to you). Also worth mentioning is Obama's focus on science in his speech... "we will restore science to its rightful place". This could mean many things. Speculation among the people I know believe that this is either an obvious reference to environmental policy or an indirect reference to Stem Cell Research. The latter is a field America has fallen far behind in, because while European countries spent time and money developing Stem Cell technology, the American Government had all but halted all research and funding.
Either way, Obama's first 100 days seem to be off to a very productive start.

The New

Yesterday I was hit with a terrifying sort of reality (in a good way) when my friends Wyoming and Dayton and I began to talk seriously about moving in together. Me and Wyoming have been talking about living together for months, and because I spend so much of my time with her, I inevitably see her boyfriend Dayton pretty often as well. Granted, I knew Dayton from high school, because we had classes together, but we actually get along now, which is a recent development. The whole plan is half hypothetical, because I don't have steady employment (I usually managed to make cash during the summertime through internships, but no year-long employment yet) and a few other things have to sort of fall into place for everything to go well.
I said that it was terrifying because as exciting as it is, I can't help but be kind of scared when everything comes down to it. Moving out of my house ASAP has always been my plan, because my parents moved out of their parents' house when they were 18 and I've already got them beat by a year, and if things don't work out this summer I'll probably be 20 when everything comes to fruition. But change has never been something that I've taken to well and when it comes right down to it, the thought of being financially responsible for keeping myself, well, alive... its not completely cheerful all the time. Actually its a little be more like.. "oh fuck... I'm going to forget to feed myself and then I'm going to starve like the fruitbat I've always known that I am".
But in the same breath, I am unbelievably excited. This is something that I've wanted to do for years and years and years. Wyoming and Dayton are two people who I trust. We have similar interests and are all equally responsible when everything comes down to it. Living together feels like it would be an amazing experience to share. To even be able to talk hypotheticals with the two of them has been thrilling and exciting and when I think about it I almost become giddy.
Now all I have to do is find a job to pay my share! (And to stop watching A Haunting, which features plenty of episodes about apartment buildings built on an axe-murderers old hunting area from the 1800's which now feature angry spirits who somehow always prey on the teenager.)

'Cause the Crazy just wasn't as fun when it was only in my head.

I am a hypochondriac. I have been ever since I was in the eighth grade. Basically what this means, is that... if I get a bloody nose? You can pretty much bet I'm googling Leukemia. If my side hurts, I have researched Organ Failure on Wikipedia. Web MD should charge me for all of the advice that I find on their website. Oh, and the other thing? I hate going to the doctor. So I self- diagnose a lot. Because in all honesty, I don't trust doctors at all. Yeah, I'm basically a crazy person. Nice to meet you.
Of course, I have been living with my own idiosyncrasies for years and years and years, so I'm used to it and while I usually have some sort of ailment-related panic attack once a month, I can generally handle it. However when it comes to my pets, I'm insane.
I have two cats and a hamster. I used to have a fish, but he died. We won't talk about the fish... after about a year (which is much longer than I anticipated having him...i mean, it was a fish...those things are supposed to have the life spans of two weeks) my care-giving declined and by the time I left for college he had been given to my mother, who celebrated this responsibility by killing him after two months. Yay. Hey, look at that, we talked about the fish!
ANYWAY, for Christmas I was given Haruka. Why? Because I've wanted a hamster since I was ten. And then I had that breakup, and my friends sort of went through a period where they all either hated each other or were really busy, so I was kinda lonely. Yeah, I filled my loneliness with an animal. I dare you to judge me. I DARE YOU!
Well, it seems that my hypochondria and OCD has carried into my hamster care. Every day I give Haruka multiple look overs. I can tell you every kink in her fur, the colors in every part of her body, and the length of her teeth. Her schedule and her likes are completely down pat. I can tell you when she's cold or when her heart has sped up the slightest bit or when she's grumpy. That's right! I'm the crazy hamster lady! This better go on my list of accomplishments after I die, right below "Saviour of the World" and "The only woman to live through the night while having her window open in seven degree weather" **

** I live in incredibly cold temperatures because, believe it or not, extreme cold keeps germs from flourishing. So I am cold pretty much at all times.

Ohhhhh Boy

Ugh, so I'm trying to wake up right now, I really am. A friend is coming by so we can go get some coffee and catch up in an hour, and I'm still in my pajamas, in bed. Stupid me stayed up until three thirty in the morning, talking on the phone. I never talk on the phone. In general, I am an entirely too awkward person for phone conversations. The ability to say the right things in order with any sort of cohesion to what the other person is saying completely escapes me. Granted, this escapes me in day to day life too... talking to someone in person. But then at least I can make a joke or start jumping around and just pretend to be crazy.

But I had been talking to someone online from school for the last few days, once of those endless conversations, you know? And last night I got a text asking if I would talk to him on the phone. Of course, I straight out told him... "I am an incredibly awkward phone conversationalist" but he didn't care, and called anyways. We talked for a few hours and then went our seperate ways.

Why am I explaining all of this?

Because my plan, once again, to go to bed at 11 was foiled by my complete lack of willpower. Instead I wrote until 1:30, then talked on the phone for two hours. Excellent decision making skills, I mean really. This is the sort of thing that Dr. Phil screams about until he is blue in the face.

But whatever, it was a good night and it has all the potential to be a good day!

-Sarah Elizabeth

<3

I haven't been posting lately for a myriad of reasons. At first, it was because I spent the first week or so of my break utterly devastated. As you undoubtedly read, things weren't that great around here for awhile. But life went on, things got better, and I finally managed to get that thing we call closure (synonym for: That reason we no longer bang out heads against a desk screaming WHY WHY WHY). Then I wasn't posting for a completely different reason: I've been so happy, I haven't thought to post because I've been doing things.

In the last few weeks, I've been really good. Great, actually. Even with some of the remaining repercussions of the drama in my life, I've been good. Happy, and excited, and motivated to get up in the early afternoon (I'd say morning, but I'm up all night so I sleep through the morning for sanity purposes). I've felt inspired to read again, to write, to sing out loud and bead and shower and actually run a brush through my hair. I put on clean clothes now, I eat food that isn't shitty, and I excercise while listening to the most exciting music you'll ever hear. I communicate with my mother without biting sarcasm and I haven't uttered the words "I hate my life" in days. Things still aren't perfect, but life never is, and I'm just so excited to actually want to be a part of society and life to really worry about the imperfections. Because yeah, sometime soon I will have to deal with them. But for right now, I'm working on the now and the here.

-Sarah Elizabeth

Haruka Onigiri

So I know I promised some hamster photos but do you have any idea how impossible it is to take a photo of an animal who never stops moving? I mean really, I did all but squish her to calm her down and nothing worked! So I took some video, and you will watch it, because there are at least three of you out there who love me and by extention my animals.

So without further ado, please meet Haruka Onigiri (Japanese literally translated means Flower Rice Ball)

:)




Update! It appears due to the shittasticness of my camera, Haruka can not be seen. I'll try again another day, then.

Photos

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I've been looking into photography, despite my terribly shitty camera. Here are a few of my nicer shots, more later after I've obtained some sleep.

Skeletons

In the last few days I saw my entire future open up, and suddenly many of my misgivings about my Now and my Then as they relate to my Soon and my Far have gone away. They just flew right out of my head. Suddenly I didn't care about how old I was anymore, or about what I want when I'm twenty five or anything like that. Right now I just want to focus on this month, maybe a little bit of next month, and that rest can come when it wants to.

Right now I am just living day to day, learning new recipes and writing when I can and playing with scrap metal to make things and beading and knitting and taking photos. I hope to share some of these creations with everyone soon. Keep an eye out for a etsy shop in the coming weeks.

2009 begins

When I was a kid, New Years Eve was one of my favorite holidays. It was the only night that I was allowed to stay up all night long, while I ate serious amounts of junk food and hung with my friends (who were the kids of my parent's friends). We would all bang pots and pans together with wooden spoons when the clock struck twelve and we would watch the fireworks between a few trees that were being set off in Philly. Every year I would try my best to stay up as late as possible, but I usually crashed between three and four, either on the floor or at the end of a couch between a few of my parent's friends. One year, the only place I could find was the floor right in front of the TV (because sleeping in your own bed on New Years is blasphemy when you're seven) so I laid on the hard wood with a blanket and watched Phish give a celebratory concert. The next morning, everyone who was left would stumble to breakfast, and the new year would begin.
Now, I usually go out with friends on New Years. For some reason I ended up going to three different get togethers this year. First I went to Wyoming's house where she was celebrating with her neighbors and boyfriend. We watched I Love Lucy and AFV for a few hours and talked. Afterwards I shivered home in the ridiculous cold to feed my hamster (a christmas gift, I'll post photos when I get some decent ones) and pick up some baked goods before I called Jereality to see where she was. Jereality was at Topher's house with the rest of the guys, and since he lives around the corner from me I met up with her there to hang for a half hour. Typical of the guys they played video games and ate junk food while sprawled on some couches in the Den while Jer and I watched (and occasionally participated).
About an hour before midnight we drove to JK's house. Its tradition to officially bring the New Year in at her house with sparkling cider in pretty glasses and frenzies of photographs. We counted down with Anderson Cooper before venturing out into the cold, cold street to watch her neighbors light off fireworks and listen to other parties of people scream. We warmed up inside for a few hours before Jer and I took to her car again to return to Topher's. When we walked in we noticed that the guys had just gone on a replenishing junk food run. It was nearly 3 a.m. at this point and we talked for a few hours before returning to the den under blankets and sleeping bags to play Soul Caliber in increasingly ridiculous states of mind. Jer and I stayed until 7.
Anyone who has stayed up all night understands the feeling you get when you realize you've worn yesterday's clothes for almost 24 hours and your teeth haven't been brushed in at least 12. They also understand the intense sleep-deprivation that drives you to a state not unlike laziness. I stumbled home to shower and change, but first spent twenty minutes curled up on my bedroom floor pretending to dream but really just listening to my hamster (Haruka) squeak on her wheel in her cage. It wasn't until I got a text from Alex that I got moving, got myself ready, and then stumbled out the door for the last time today to get breakfast with everyone from Topher and JK's house.
Breakfast was an incredibly quiet ordeal with the ten of us crowded around a few tables. We ate, joked sparingly, but mostly we mumbled about being tired or continued last night's inside jokes before we paid the check and drove home. By the time Jer pulled up to my house I had resolved to go straight to bed, and I barely got my shoes off and changed into proper pajamas before I was asleep on my pillow, completely unbothered by the glaring sunlight.