Warning: Bad Mood Killer

I've been having such a hard time lately, with the people in my life. I know I speak occasionally about how wonderful everyone in my life is, how blessed I am to have them and all of the good and kindness they all have. I just wish that this would be enough for them to see in each other, or in me.
I understand I am less than perfect, and sometimes a downright terrible person. I've been lucky that I am surrounded by people who see the good in me, or at the very least my intentions.
This may be confusing. Let me explain, the people in my life are all struggling, or I'm struggling with them. My family is incredibly stressed and I am afraid every day for what that could bring. I live in a ticking time bomb, and sometimes I feel like the only one with the ability to hold it all together, to bring some semblence of normalcy, is me. Unfortunately, I need a break sometimes, because I'm getting anxiety attacks in my own home. So I'll "go out" for hours- I'll leave at 6 and come back at three in the morning, or I'll suddenly just go "I'm going out with so-and-so" and I won't worry about when I'm coming home.
The sick part of this is, particularly with my parents, I'm being vague about who I'm with. Generally its a friend, but many times Alex is there too, and usually at my insistance. Because I know it makes me insane, but even with how much it hurts me to be with him, it hurts more to be without him. And right now I'd rather be hurting while he's right next to me than hurting while we're not speaking and he's four hours away. Because the decision not to be in contact with him keeps me up at night, and I'm tired of either crying myself to sleep, or pretending that I'm fine. So I've been seeing him a lot lately. I hold it together rather well, I believe. I act with near indifference when we're together, and when he offered me a ride home last night I refused, because I am afraid that I am hurting him, too. I know how he feels, and he knows how I feel. Unfortunately I don't know if he's been hanging around for the right reasons. I'm afraid that he feels guilty. But I won't get into that.
I guess I just miss consistency, in my life. Friends who I love and used to be closer to each other than to me aren't speaking anymore. They're both huge part of my life, and sometimes it feels like I'm being ripped in half, particularly when I have to chose between the two of them. My family is barely holding itself together, and instead of going to each other for support everyone is going seperate directions. And everything with Alex just threatens to overtake it all. My vision is so clouded when it comes to this that I feel like I can't make sense out of anything at all, and I'm bound to just be a completely emotional wreck for the rest of eternity.

I just wanted to get that all out. Later on tonight I'm going to write up another post, a happier one, focusing on the good things that have happened in the last few days.