A Letter

Dear Alex:
Yesterday I had two dreams about you. In the first, it was two days after our initial breakup, and instead of ignoring one another, you called me. We talked things out, we yelled and I cried, and then you got onto a train and came down and we talked everything out. Then the dream sped up to six months later, and we were still happy and communicating.
Later that night I had another dream, and we were walking around outside, being together and talking. Both dreams had us talking. Then suddenly I was running around my dorm room, throwing clothes into a basket and talking to you on the phone, planning some sort of trip we were going to go on that weekend to New York. My hair was long, and dark, and your voice was deeper.
I woke up more frustrated than upset. Almost exactly a month ago, I let it all go. We stopped talking as much, the fighting stopped, and I've been going out and talking with other guys (very, very casually... not actually "dating" but just being out) and taking steps to make me a happier, less fragile person. But the dreams derailed me a little bit, as vivid dreams often do. Everything you say anymore frustrates me, and I've tried terribly hard to make our relationship a distant memory... the hazy bottom of a muddy lake. But then things like this happen, and its like everything crystallizes and I see everything from the past come together in a clear image.
I suppose this all was triggered because I made an appointment with a counselor on Thursday, and I did it because of what happened, because I'm tired of allowing my Anxiety to run my life. Our breakup was not the first caused by one of my hysterical, anxiety-driven, panic-oriented freakouts. But I can't bear losing what I lost with you again, and I can't bear to see the damage that I've done, with you and my other ex's that I cared for deeply yet walked away from anyway. I can't stand to leave behind me a wake of wretchedness because I was too much of a chickenshit to admit that I am in over my head and I need help. I want to have healthy, loving relationships without waiting for the proverbial axe to drop.
Looking at the dreams, I'm happy that I have the sort of good memories that can still be manifested sometimes. I'll explain: the happiness of our relationship was positive enough that the tiniest blips of memory can still feed into dreams. I'm lucky, not many people have that kind of relationship with anybody where the thought of the memories still bring back the fierce power of the emotion or the frightened shock of loss that can still make my hands shake. I've been shown something powerful, and I can say that I've experienced love that seemed limitless, and I believe that it could have been in time. I'm happy for that, and thankful for that, and I hope that we both experience it again someday.
Sometimes I feel like those few months had enough love for a lifetime.
-Sarah Elizabeth

Cast of Characters Part II: State Edition

Okay, so it occured to me that I am in contact with more people than I introduced, so here are a few more names that you can farmiliarize yourself with, if you so choose.



Fiddles
I've know this girlie since I was thirteen. She was originally a friend of a friend but we got to talking one day and ever since then we'll talk for hours and hours when we get together. Of course, finding time to be together has always been incredibly difficult so we'll only really get to see each other every 6 months unless we're a part of the same activity. There was a period of time in the past where we were dating guys from the same group, which was really awesome at the time because we got to hang out multiple times a week.

BW
He's an ex boyfriend who I had actually been friends with through Art classes in high school. He's a year older than I am so he graduted the year before me. We went out for maybe two months, and things really didn't work out at the time. That was two years ago. Since then we've been in contact here and there, and we hang out every so often. I've always had a lot of fun when we're together, and he's pretty hilarious.

JC
I met JC in seventh grade when she moved to New Jersey. I was apprehensive at first, because I wasn't fond of meeting new people. But now we have a lot of inside jokes and we go to college pretty close to one another, so we'll see each other when we go into the city or somesuch. My caffeine addiction can be attributed largely to her, because I had had nothing but those synthetic wawa cappuchinos until we started hanging out in a real coffee shop on a weekly basis.

K
She dorms next door to JC, and during an NYC trip we took in October, K came along. As it turns out, K and I are almost identical people. I knew she was awesome when her first words to me were... "so you're my doppleganger!" I get the biggest kick out of this chica, and its always great to be tackled by her the second you enter a building. Also, she has an amazing snese of style.

Anne
Also dorms with JC, but is her roommate. She's pretty quiet but definately crazy funny. She's one of those mucho skilled people who speaks 3-4 languages and plays guitar. She also can pretty much throw any outfit together and somehow come out successful, which is the sort of person I've always respected because my own closet weilds little promise to fashionistas anywhere. She makes an excellent threesome with JC and K, and together they're all amazing!

Coming Soon: Cast of Characters: College Edition!

*Update* Please note there is a post under this one, because I scheduled this post to be published on Monday but somehow published it today by mistake. So, you get two posts today... but none tomorrow. Don't fill up too quick! :)

Its all there

I was considerably lucky this weekend in that I got to see many friends who I haven't seen in a long time, and meet people who turned out to be very interesting additions to my experiences. It began on Thursday night, when I took a train to a college mid-state to see my friend JC and some of the other girls who live in the building. I had met many of them before when I stayed overnight in October. The night was full of talking and joking around and eating chinese. The girls from the building trickled into the room one by one, and I was able to spend time getting to know each of them. Of course, I am a rather awkward individual who gives a less than wonderful first impression at times, so a few of the girls may not have loved me, but there were a few who I had a lot in common with and two of the girls who I had known before, K and Anne, were amazing to see and laugh with. As silly as it may sound, the energy in the building is filled with a lot of fun and love and care, which was nice to experience, considering my own dorming situation is so stressed and terrible.
Of course, I briefly saw Wyoming and Daytona on Friday night. I miss them both during the week when I'm not around (escpecially Wyoming) so its always nice to see them. I swear, the two of them keep me mature. Particularly since Wyoming and I got into a tiny disagreement on Saturday and after talking for a bit we were able to blow past it and at least apologize to one another. This is more than I can say for my relationships with most other people, so I'm always grateful when I have a relationship where this sort of communication can exist.
Then on Saturday night I got in contact with an old friend, Fiddles (I will obviously have to do a Friends Cast part II, to introduce the new names). She's the awesomest gal who I unfortunately have never gotten to see anywhere near as often as I'd like to. Generally, we see each other every six months and talk occasionally in-between. But last night we were both semi-free, and had a marathon hangout for hours and hours. We got some Shamrock Shakes and talked for a bit before going to my ex boyfriend BW's house. There was a big group of people there too, most of whom I haven't seen since they graduated or moved to other states. It was a fun night overall.
Later today I'm getting together with BW to hang out, because we've been talking a bit more over the last week or so. I feel really lucky and grateful that this weekend will be filled with so many friends and good times. It'll definately carry me through the week and past next weekend, since I am stuck at my college for a little bit longer than I generally care to be.

Best wishes for a wonderful week ahead!
-Sarah Elizabeth

Dear College.
It has been about five months since I started living on campus, attending your classes, and observing your activities. My very strong hatred for you has waned slightly since returning from winter break, but its far from going away. But that is a seperate story.
Since I began going to college, I've learned a few things. On a personal level, I now realize that my intolerance for idiocy is alive and well. Also, I am an excellent procrastinator. But time would have told me these things anyway, so I don't really owe the information to College, however the swiftness of the discovery does allude to some deserved credit.
I may have mentioned in my last letter that I had joined a club for a little while. This was probably the place I made the most friends. Of course, my schedule no longer allows me to go, and I had kind of started to fade out of the idea anyway. It was a political club, but I wasn't completely aligned with everything they had going on. They're a great organization though, and I wouldn't mind dropping by occasionally in the future if the deathgrip you have on my time would let up.
One of the most useful "life skills" I've aquired over the last few months is a grasp on public transportation. Buses, speedlines, trains, shuttles... I have figured out so much! My anxiety still requires the extensive previewing of schedules and numbers and stops and so forth, but thats okay! At least I'm actually stepping onto the vehicles themselves!
Really, I've just gotten to the point where I know where almost everything is and I can pass back and forth to different things without too much worrying. I've figured out the office hours of most of the campus, and besides the curse of distance getting to everything is pretty easy. I've also been in contact with a few different offices for different reasons, which may or may not be discussed in the future, depending on how things go. Overall I'm surviving "College" pretty well, and I'm learning a lot which is a total bonus!
-Sarah Elizabeth

Slimming The Crowd

Hey everyone!
This is (technically) my 100th post. But since I have only actually posted 51, its not all that big of a celebration. It also says something about my ability to commit to my posts: 49% of them never get seen. That's right, the screening process is pretty tough over here at Starburst! (Also, this may be the first time that I've ever referred to this blog by name. Go figure!)

Anyway, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had been sort of talking to a guy on the phone. I was really indifferent as to whether or not things would have progressed from there, because in all honesty, the guy somehow tweaked my number one nerve numerous times inside the "getting-to-know you" phase. This nerve? Its the one that is the pre-cursor to my Creeper Alert. Its the one that sends up the red flag probably much sooner than deserved, but is usually right on the money. It separates the pretentious from the well intentioned, and has saved me from much trouble. The nerve is... when a guy I just met (or anybody, really) thinks they "know" me.

Its easiest to figure out early on. The guy is so secure about himself that he is totally confident making complete assumptions about your person, days after first talking. Frankly, anyone who wants to try to recommend me a movie, book, or band ("I thought of you when I saw this, you'd really like it!") is a red flag in the first week. My reasoning? Because A. You should NOT be thinking about me as a function of your daily life, we've spoken twice. and B. two conversations are not nearly enough to tell you what my tastes are, or vice versa. So what is supposed to be this really fantastic, thoughtful "line", becomes a blind stab in the dark. And yes, this makes me a bit bitchy, but I firmly believe that I am a complex, thought-filled person, whose tastes are not easily understood when the combined time of conversation is equivalent to about four hours.


But I will be completely honest, I let this slide when talking to Boy. I was trying to be open to new people, and I am constantly remembering that I myself, make horrible first impressions, so to expect more of others is unfair. Erego, I ignored Boy's attempts to recommend gory, cheesy, over produced horror films to me and instead tried to focus on other things. He was looking to meet new people, he liked to read, etc. etc. Okay, fine. But neither of those things ended up boding well for this kid either.


It turns out, he wanted to "meet new people" because he desperately wanted to get over his last ex. I can understand that, obviously. In November I was doing all sorts of boy-crazy, idiotic things. But then I realized what I was doing (largely, making an ass out of myself and viciously confusing the other person) and decided to take a step back. What I was NOT understand about, was his favorite sentence: "Girls are bitches." To which I could do little else to reply: "I'm sorry, I always found us to be wonderful."


The latter interest, his love of books, had the potential to be endearing but died sooner than I expected. I received a message one day telling me that he had found three new books, so that he had something to talk to me about. "A" for effort, of course, although I was admittedly weirded out, because at that point, we hadn't spoken in a week (because he had called daily at times where I couldn't answer, and then would text when the phone went to voicemail. After day three of this I began to avoid the calls) and he was putting in WAY more effort than I was comfortable with. Once again, after maybe four hours of conversation.


So the whole thing seemed to have fallen flat as an inappropriate match. Which I was totally okay with, because it gave me some damn good stories to tell Topher. About two weeks ago I assumed that I had heard my last of Boy. But oh, I was wrong.


This morning I got back from my friend's college (late and cold, thanks NJTransit!) and opened my laptop to a message on facebook. Apparently, Boy had been im'd by a girl Sarah a week ago, and thought it was me. Which is cool, mistakes happen and the name's popular. The strange thing was that this mistake took him a week to figure out (so much for knowing me I guess) and when he did, he made a date with this new girl. I was definitely relieved to figure out that he found some other girl. Although I can't help but cringe at all the things he probably now associates with me, particularly since he spent a week talking to someone else and thought it was me. Why he felt the need to let me know about the mistake, and his date, was really strange to me at first. We haven't spoken in two weeks, I officially had walked away from it. It wasn't until Topher told me that Boy was informing me that he was moving on and that I had "missed my chance" that I understood.


Looks like I really lost what could have been True Love!

Today

When I was in high school I would wake up with just enough time to shower, get dressed, and make a breakfast to bring to school with me. But here, particularly since none of my classes start until eleven, I try to wake up three hours early every day. By 7:30, I'm pretty much up and semi-functional.
So far today I showered, folded my laundry, packed (mostly) to go to my friend's college overnight, ate breakfast, read some of my Philosophy homework, watched a short film, watched most of LOST, cleared out my camera, talked to Jer and Wyoming and Daytona, Cleaned a decent bit of my dorm, and wrote a number of blog entries before deciding to continue with this one.
Who says you can't be productive before noon?
After myPaleoanthropology class tonight I'm heading a few hours south to spend the night at another college with Pookie, K, and Anne. I'll post more when I'm safetly in Philadelphia and tell you all about my adventures!

There's Always Time

Over the weekend I had a slight breakdown. Nothing all that major, just the general "ahh what the hell am I going to do with my life" sort of thing. It lasted a few hours then passed. But as a side effect to the freak out, I've ended up feeling sick for a few days. My stress has actually begun to show long-term effects. Because of this, I've decided to start to take some steps to relax.
For example, I decided last night to drop one of my unnecessary classes. Now I don't have any more than two classes most days of the week, except for Tuesday when I have three (each class separated by at least an hour). Also, while I've planned out my homework over the course of the week, I purposely left tonight empty. Instead of worrying about homework, I watched a movie in bed while I choked down my 8th glass of water. Because when I called my mom in tears due to a hypochondriac freak out this morning, she said to drink more water. This actually keeps the brain from shrinking or something crazy like that. Personally, I believe that drinking water wards away the crazy.
Also, I'm not worried about cleaning right now. Usually I spend 20-30 minutes every day agonizing over dishes and keeping my clothes away and making sure all of my books and papers are stacked by size. I decided that I'm just going to let it go for the night.

Today's Pick 5:

Older Chests: Damien Rice

"So pass me by, I'll be fine. Just give me time. Older gents sit on the fence,
with their cap in hand, looking grand, they watch their city change. Children
scream, or so it seems, louder than before. Out of doors, and into stores with
bigger names."

Gathering Dust: David Gray

" Now the wind it is blowing, blowing leaves from the trees. I got no use
knowing, that with time it'll ease. I don't know where I'm going, hope I get
there soon, 'cause my soul's as hollow as the sorrowful moon."

Bowl of Oranges: Bright Eyes

"We'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve, of love's uneven
remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole."

Movie Script Ending: Deathcab For Cutie

"Whenever i come back, the air on railroad is making the same
sounds. And the shop fronts on holly are dirty words (asterisks in for the
vowels). We peered through the windows... new bottoms on barstools but the
people remain the same, with prices inflating."

Birds: Kate Nash-

"He said 'let me try and explain again...Right Birds can fly so high and they
can shit on your head, well they can almost fly into your eye and make you feel
so scared. But when you look at them and you see that they're beautiful, thats
how I feel about you.'"