Love and Moonlight

At night in my small town, the sky turns cloudy and purple. I like to walk down the chilled, cold road late at night and imagine that I am one of the last people in the world, recording all of the imperfections and intricacies of the moment as a part of a final journey I must make before joining the rest of the population elsewhere.
The road is so dimly lit that the cars parked on either side of the tiny curbs can barely be seen, except for one, which glistens under the moonlight. I'm reminded suddenly of my need to buy a shitty truck, one of those old ones that are practically indestructible, and drive north. I wouldn't stop until Canada, then I would turn around and go all the way to Arizona, just because I could and because gas is under 2$.
I crouch down and curl up on the road then, in the fetal position, the way I entered the world and the way I hope to exit it someday that is not today or tomorrow or the day after that. My hands on the pavement at the center of the road seem special, because I realize in that moment that so few people touch the center of the road. They don't feel the cracks and the bumps and the leaves that are pressed there by the false rubber tires we all drive around and around. Sometimes when I'm walking all alone, in the darkness and the damp and the cold, I feel tears well up in my eyes. Because there's something about being the only one, being alone in a place so big and endless, that strikes at my heart and my soul and my fingertips. It makes me want to stay there forever, to sleep in the center of that road or to scream there or to just watch the stars in the big wide sky, until the moon sets and the sun rises and the rest of the world wakes up again, and I'm no longer alone.

Something

Tonight I bundled up in my knee-length peacoat and scarf, plugged Backseat Goodbye and The Morning Of into my ipod, and went out to meet a friend for a 12:30 am walk. He goes to college a good 6 hours away from the tiny, tiny town that we call home, so I don't get to see him much. Much like everyone else whose gone away, I miss him terribly.
Our walk crossed the boundaries of three towns, until we almost became lost and we had to scurry back to the only road we recognized, which was completely dark so it could barely be seen. Some would have considered this an adventure. But I openly admitted to my friend that if we had taken three more seconds than necessary to find our way back, I probably would have imploded and turned to ash. This would have complicated his lone journey home, because between you and me, I'm pretty sure he had no idea where we were.
This weekend included a lot of seeing people who I haven't seen in a long time. Because it was a holiday weekend, many campuses either closed or the students emptied out of them anyway. Because of this, we were all in the same place for once. Wednesday and Friday were competely dedicated to hanging with the guys- Topher, Cyborg, Dirk, AJ, DH, Njsnow, and Jereality (Note: Jereality is very much female, but neither she nor I are considered to have a gender when we hang out with this group). A lot of the time was spent lounging on chairs and couches, ordering take out, and telling stories about our campuses and remembering the crazy things we've all done to one another. Today I went out with an old friend who graduated High School the year before I did (he's also an ex of mine, so we haven't spoken much). We went to see a film and then drove around in his car for about two hours swapping stories. Now that I think about it, I've had an incredibly chatty day.
I'm home for another two days, after which I will return to my campus in what will probably be an internetless state. Because most of my friends are returning to their colleges tomorrow, Sunday and Monday will be a great deal more relaxed than these past few days have been.
I feel lucky that I've been able to spend so much time with the people that I care about. High School was a painful time for me, in that many of the people I surrounded myself with were not actually my friends. They openly had no desire for my company, and vice versa. To be able to come home now, and feel more than ever that I actually belong with a group of people, is a new and amazing feeling.
In the interest of finishing this entry, I'm posting it as-is. I'm going to start a new type of entry tomorrow or the next day where I basically "Word vomit" onto blogger. Maybe then I'd actually express something, instead of just talking about unimporant things like how I feel and my happiness. -sigh-.

In Need of Cleansing Breaths.

I am trying to remember those times when I was a peaceful, nature-loving person who tried her best not to be mean to anyone and be as organic and natural as possible. If you know me, do you remember these times? Because I'm starting to think that they didn't actually exist, and that I've always been this cold, unloving monster who worries about money and facts above all else, doesn't read for pleasure and can't write poetry about nice, pretty things.
I can't remember what it felt like to be at peace with my sexuality and my hair and my clothes and the way I spoke to others. The concept of laughing openly without hesitation is almost ancient lore and I haven't touched something pure and natural, like a stone or a tree or the grass or soil, in so long that I can't remember when.
I guess I've been so busy lately that I stopped trying to be happy. The love that I have in my life has taken a back seat to work and being what I am needed to be.
Tomorrow I'm taking a bus and a train home in an attempt to get home in time to go to a funeral with my mother. Then I'm going to work with her on Wednesday morning so that she won't be so lonely and stressed before the holiday. Afterwards the Holiday weekend will commence and the plan is to spend plenty of time with close family and old friends who I love. I'm really looking forward to the peace and tranquility I feel when I'm home, like all of the pieces of my life can come back together and I can be legitimately happy once again.

Have a wonderful Holiday!

I Don't Even Know

I'm trying to write this entry quickly. I have a research paper due tomorrow for my english class, and I have to finish blindly inserting facts via MLA format until it's four pages long.
So, a quick summation of some things I've had going on recently, since my last few entries haven't focued on anything informative in the least.

1. my laptop, the one I bought in August, died last week. Then my heart stopped beating and my eyes dripped out of their sockets. The mess was eventually cleaned up, but nothing could bring my lappy's motherboard back to life again. Upon telling this story to J from my Politics class, he responded....
"Maybe you should lay off the porn."
In other news, my faith in humanity has dripped away not unlike the content of my eyeballs.

2. Obama won, and I screamed myself hoarse in celebration for the ensuing three days. Others on my campus celebrated similarly, however they were peppersprayed by campus police. McCain supporters on campus were strangely happy the next day, despite their loss. Methinks a connection between the two is taking shape.

3. I've begun to realize that I spend more time with people I hate than people who I actually like. the results of this development are thus:
- increased moments using my ipod
- anger
- impotence.

4. My sanity has completely faded into nothingness for reasons unknown. Although re-reading the rest of the entry may provide some clues.

Travels

This Entry Was Written Over The Course of Three Days, I Apologize If It Isn't Pieced Together Very Well.

When I was thirteen, I knew that I was different. I was confused, and upset, and I denied my differences in the face of other complications. I was a pre-teen, I didn't know as much about myself as I do now. There was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I couldn't figure out why, when I watched television or read magazines, I kept looking at all the pretty girls. I shied away from what that sort of attraction would mean. I stopped watching MTV, where the feminine flaunting happened most often. I opted out of subscriptions to girlie magazines. For the next three years I hid in the back of my mind all of those thoughts that I decided would derail me.

Three years later, a handful of my friends started to "come out". At this time, I had been an activist for LGBT rights (from a "straight" standpoint) so I don't think my friends were uncomfortable sharing this aspect of their lives with me. I remembered being jealous, that they were certain, that they were brave enough, that they were comfortable enough with themselves that they could just put the truth out there.

I remember the April after my sixteenth birthday, I was out with a friend who I had always shared a great deal of my life with. We went back to her house and sat on the couches in her basement. "I have something to tell you". I said. She looked at me, and I felt color rising to my cheeks. "I'm bisexual."

Her response left something to be desired. Without getting into it, lets just say that I didn't tell anyone else. I put it away in my head. I think that at this point, I had resolved to just pretend that I was straight. And I did. The secret weighed on me. I had days where I didn't know what to do, I felt lost. The people I wanted to tell the most were the people that I didn't want to know, because they were the ones that could hurt me the most if they took off.

The weeks before graduating high school I was walking at night with another friend. I had decided that I wasn't going to tell anyone about my sexuality until after graduation. It was such a stressful time, that adding this to it just didn't feel like a good idea. I wanted the possibility of running if things went badly. I wanted to be able to hide.

The summer went by, and I started seeing a boy. I decided immediately that I wasn't going to tell him. I let myself get wrapped up in the relationship, trying to "forget" about my interest in women. By the time we broke up in September, we had only discussed the possibility of my Bisexuality once, and I had confirmed nothing.

We broke up, and I realized that I was in a position where I didn't have to pretend to be straight anymore. I didn't live at home, my friends weren't near me, and I suddenly felt like I didn't care. So I flirted with a handful of girls, without ever even persuing them. The summer relationship had left me heartbroken, and so through everything, I didn't want to be with anyone. But it felt nice to not have to hide, not have to confess. "Are you bisexual?" People would ask, and I could just say "Yes."


Some days I have a hard time figuring everything through in my head. I want to just say that I'll never be in any relationship, and I will be happy by myself, because then I won't have to deal with the backlash. But I chide myself when those thoughts enter my head, because I have every right to happiness and I should do what makes me happy, and be with whoever makes me happy. I tell myself that whether my friends can accept me for who I am or not, they have been good friends and are entitled to their opinions. The same goes for my family. I'm not here to make a statement, or throw anything in anyone's face. I'm just trying to find myself and do what makes me happy and what makes me, me.