The chapter of my life as documented in this blog has closed. But I will continue documenting at this new home:
www.brightblueday.blogspot.com
2 years ago
Monday, April 20, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Some themes from my Twitter:
- Anti- republican rhetoric
- Commentary on the current weather
- wistful thoughts about music and nature
- College oddities
- Political thoughts as they pertain to the classes I am in.
It makes me smile that people actually want to befriend me after all of this.
- Anti- republican rhetoric
- Commentary on the current weather
- wistful thoughts about music and nature
- College oddities
- Political thoughts as they pertain to the classes I am in.
It makes me smile that people actually want to befriend me after all of this.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
One More Season
After this summer I am transferring to a local college in the Philadelphia area. I've been having a hard time with this decision, because in essence, I have to return to the small town where I grew up.
When I started this blog in September, it was so I would have a place to put my thoughts about my anxiety. Of course, through the year the worst of it never made its way onto here, because I was having a hard enough time living with it. Having to read about it or allow the few people who read this blog AND know me in reality understand the true extent of the issue just seemed like too much to deal with, on top of everything else. It still is.
My anxiety has basically made it impossible for me to function when I am in the New York area. There were days where I just wouldn't go to class, because having to get out of bed just felt like too much to deal with. I come home every weekend because most of the time its the only time I can relax enough to feel semi-normal. My body needs the two or three day rest from the ridiculous amount of stress and panic I put it through during the week.
Because of this, I applied to a local college as a commuter student. Not that I am largely opposed to dorming, but because the original consideration towards this transfer was to make the college expenses easier to handle.
I am disappointed that I'm going to have to live at home. Of course, I miss my family and my friends and I enjoy myself here immensely. But living by my own schedule, worrying about feeding myself and buying my own groceries and learning how to cook using a microwave and how to unclog a sink and clean bathrooms and make a schedule and take public transportation- these are all things that I got to feel good at. I got a taste of living by myself. And the realization that I'm going to have to move back to my childhood bedroom under my parent's roof, as great as my parents are, is frustrating. The realization that I have to do this because of my own personal weakness and mental illness is even more crushing, because I feel as if I should have seen it coming.
Of course, by moving back home I'll be able to find a steady job, and use the closeness and consistency of Philadelphia to my advantage. Hopefully within a few years I will have saved up enough money to move out (because the original plan has fallen flat) and I'll manage to live nearby, and re-obtain the ability to take care of myself.
Until then, I have to work on this new issue. I have to learn to live with an anxiety that has the ability to disrupt my daily life. Moving back home and transferring feels like I'm giving up right now, but I have to be honest to myself and recognize that graduating is more important than taking the next six years to attempt to get an education while I battle with myself. Its a shitty realization, but there isn't all that much that I can realistically do about it.
When I started this blog in September, it was so I would have a place to put my thoughts about my anxiety. Of course, through the year the worst of it never made its way onto here, because I was having a hard enough time living with it. Having to read about it or allow the few people who read this blog AND know me in reality understand the true extent of the issue just seemed like too much to deal with, on top of everything else. It still is.
My anxiety has basically made it impossible for me to function when I am in the New York area. There were days where I just wouldn't go to class, because having to get out of bed just felt like too much to deal with. I come home every weekend because most of the time its the only time I can relax enough to feel semi-normal. My body needs the two or three day rest from the ridiculous amount of stress and panic I put it through during the week.
Because of this, I applied to a local college as a commuter student. Not that I am largely opposed to dorming, but because the original consideration towards this transfer was to make the college expenses easier to handle.
I am disappointed that I'm going to have to live at home. Of course, I miss my family and my friends and I enjoy myself here immensely. But living by my own schedule, worrying about feeding myself and buying my own groceries and learning how to cook using a microwave and how to unclog a sink and clean bathrooms and make a schedule and take public transportation- these are all things that I got to feel good at. I got a taste of living by myself. And the realization that I'm going to have to move back to my childhood bedroom under my parent's roof, as great as my parents are, is frustrating. The realization that I have to do this because of my own personal weakness and mental illness is even more crushing, because I feel as if I should have seen it coming.
Of course, by moving back home I'll be able to find a steady job, and use the closeness and consistency of Philadelphia to my advantage. Hopefully within a few years I will have saved up enough money to move out (because the original plan has fallen flat) and I'll manage to live nearby, and re-obtain the ability to take care of myself.
Until then, I have to work on this new issue. I have to learn to live with an anxiety that has the ability to disrupt my daily life. Moving back home and transferring feels like I'm giving up right now, but I have to be honest to myself and recognize that graduating is more important than taking the next six years to attempt to get an education while I battle with myself. Its a shitty realization, but there isn't all that much that I can realistically do about it.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
A Drama
Scene Opens: I'm standing in the dining hall by the toast maker. I have a plate of bacon on the counter, because I wanted more, and then decided that I wanted toast too. Once again, my toast didn't come out of the toaster, because someones bagels are stuck at the top of the shaft. Enter M, who asks me what happened.
Me: "Someones bagels are stuck, so my toast didn't come out."
M: "Oops, those are mine!"
He then proceeds to whirl around me with his tray, effectively propelling his potatoes all over the floor.
M: "Look what you made me do!" He says, with sarcasm.
Me: "Oh, sorry." I say, aware that he's kidding and more occupied with retrieving my toast from the 3-million degree machine of fiery metal than this kid's chit-chat methods.
M: "I'm not reaching up there. Its hot." He says this as he reaches into the toaster. I watch, because breakfast theatre is hard to come by these days. That and I really want my damn toast.
He gets his bagels, dragging them down the shaft using my toast. When they land on the serving portion of the tray, he picks up his bagels, and puts them on my plate. Then he stands there, confused, because obviously what is on my plate is not what was on his, and he is trying to figure out the exchange rate of growth from eggs into bacon.
M: "This is your plate."
Me: "Yeah."
He slides his bagels onto his own plate. Then he turns to the toaster, where my cinnamon-raisin toast awaits. Then he touches the toast and somehow manages to flip a piece onto the floor. I pick it up, and throw it away. As I go, he calls after me.
M: "You deserved that!"
I laugh because really, its too early for this breakfast insanity. I put new, untouched pieces of bread in the toaster, get my toast, and return to the table where my roommate is eating french toast sticks.
Roommate: "I saw you flirting with that guy!"
Me: "I wasn't flirting!"
Roommate: "Sure."
Me: "Yeah, the wedding is in six months. Let me tell ya!"
We joke for a few minutes about stupid shit, until a voice at the table behind us grabs our attention. Its Bagel boy, what a shock.
M: "Man, I hate sitting alone!" He says this while looking at us.
Me: "Then sit here." I told him, not particularly caring about the outcome but deciding that he would be talking incessantly to us ANYWAY. And it would be easier to eat if he was doing so NEXT to us.
M: "But then I'd have to move!" He complains, while he picks up his tray and slides in next to me. "I usually sit with random people, but its easier to do at round tables, not square ones like these. I would have had to squeeze past you without permission and it would have been weird."
An hour passes. The conversation ranges from weird, to awkward, to hilarious and outrageous. He's either trying intensely hard to impress us, or he really is irrevocably odd. I swear that I've heard some of the things he's saying before, and at one point I realize he's quoting almost directly from Demetri Martin. But when he's called out on it, he seems more excited that we recognized it than ashamed at being pegged for unoriginal.
It was a weird breakfast.
Me: "Someones bagels are stuck, so my toast didn't come out."
M: "Oops, those are mine!"
He then proceeds to whirl around me with his tray, effectively propelling his potatoes all over the floor.
M: "Look what you made me do!" He says, with sarcasm.
Me: "Oh, sorry." I say, aware that he's kidding and more occupied with retrieving my toast from the 3-million degree machine of fiery metal than this kid's chit-chat methods.
M: "I'm not reaching up there. Its hot." He says this as he reaches into the toaster. I watch, because breakfast theatre is hard to come by these days. That and I really want my damn toast.
He gets his bagels, dragging them down the shaft using my toast. When they land on the serving portion of the tray, he picks up his bagels, and puts them on my plate. Then he stands there, confused, because obviously what is on my plate is not what was on his, and he is trying to figure out the exchange rate of growth from eggs into bacon.
M: "This is your plate."
Me: "Yeah."
He slides his bagels onto his own plate. Then he turns to the toaster, where my cinnamon-raisin toast awaits. Then he touches the toast and somehow manages to flip a piece onto the floor. I pick it up, and throw it away. As I go, he calls after me.
M: "You deserved that!"
I laugh because really, its too early for this breakfast insanity. I put new, untouched pieces of bread in the toaster, get my toast, and return to the table where my roommate is eating french toast sticks.
Roommate: "I saw you flirting with that guy!"
Me: "I wasn't flirting!"
Roommate: "Sure."
Me: "Yeah, the wedding is in six months. Let me tell ya!"
We joke for a few minutes about stupid shit, until a voice at the table behind us grabs our attention. Its Bagel boy, what a shock.
M: "Man, I hate sitting alone!" He says this while looking at us.
Me: "Then sit here." I told him, not particularly caring about the outcome but deciding that he would be talking incessantly to us ANYWAY. And it would be easier to eat if he was doing so NEXT to us.
M: "But then I'd have to move!" He complains, while he picks up his tray and slides in next to me. "I usually sit with random people, but its easier to do at round tables, not square ones like these. I would have had to squeeze past you without permission and it would have been weird."
An hour passes. The conversation ranges from weird, to awkward, to hilarious and outrageous. He's either trying intensely hard to impress us, or he really is irrevocably odd. I swear that I've heard some of the things he's saying before, and at one point I realize he's quoting almost directly from Demetri Martin. But when he's called out on it, he seems more excited that we recognized it than ashamed at being pegged for unoriginal.
It was a weird breakfast.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
And The Slow Ascention To Sanity Commences
Hey y'all! Sorry for the prolonged absence. After the medical debacle, I sorta lost my grip on sanity and have henceforth spent the last two weeks in an anxiety and stress-ridden state of panic which if discovered by the media might actually indicate that I should be studied. Last week I basically cried and curled up into a ball and decided that...you know what? 18 is a good, ripe age, and its totally okay if I die in the fetal position on my bed. Then I saw my therapist. He informed me, as kindly as possible, that this opinion wasn't really valid. Then I grew up.
I could probably say that literally, too...because this weekend was my birthday. In February I decided that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. This failed. Somehow I managed to get my panic-ridden ass on a train to my friend JK's college. There, her and K and Sheryl threw a party for me. Really, they did! They bought me dinner and balloons and decorated and they even got a ColdStones cake! JK and I completed the fifth year of a Birthday Tradition we have and watched intense movies. I spent two and a half days hanging out with some of the coolest people I've ever met, walking in the amazing sunlight among anciently beautiful buildings and eating way more junkfood than should be legal. I even got to go thrift shopping, which is a secret passion of mine that rarely if ever gets exercised.
My actual birthday- which was Saturday- was almost completely uneventful. I took the train the rest of the way home, ate some delicious cupcakes that my mom made me, and took a four hour nap on my favorite couch with my cat laying next to me. My momma made me my favorite dinner, we watched Oprah (not a typical practice for me, but she was excited about a Justin Timberlake interview that she had DVR'd). Later I went to Wyoming's house to hang out with her and Dayton.
By Sunday I was starting to feel the panic of having to go back to college come back. I woke up at 7:45 with a panic attack. It passed, I went back to sleep, then went to Wyoming's. She threw me a party with plenty of Dew and a beautiful cake. Then we went mini golfing (slash bowling, hockey, pool, soccer).
So this past weekend was amazing. I was able to come back to school with a better and healthier sense of self and while I am far from perfect, I at least am able to take the occasionally deep breath and even relax, once in a blue moon!
I'll try to write more in the coming days, but really I'm just trying to hold it all together for the next six weeks until I can get home with grades good enough that I can transfer to my new college without drama.
Some things coming up in the next few weeks:
The birthday of my brother, whose gonna be 16. Woah!
A tour of a local Museum for a project. I <3 museums
NYC Picnic! Woot!
I could probably say that literally, too...because this weekend was my birthday. In February I decided that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. This failed. Somehow I managed to get my panic-ridden ass on a train to my friend JK's college. There, her and K and Sheryl threw a party for me. Really, they did! They bought me dinner and balloons and decorated and they even got a ColdStones cake! JK and I completed the fifth year of a Birthday Tradition we have and watched intense movies. I spent two and a half days hanging out with some of the coolest people I've ever met, walking in the amazing sunlight among anciently beautiful buildings and eating way more junkfood than should be legal. I even got to go thrift shopping, which is a secret passion of mine that rarely if ever gets exercised.
My actual birthday- which was Saturday- was almost completely uneventful. I took the train the rest of the way home, ate some delicious cupcakes that my mom made me, and took a four hour nap on my favorite couch with my cat laying next to me. My momma made me my favorite dinner, we watched Oprah (not a typical practice for me, but she was excited about a Justin Timberlake interview that she had DVR'd). Later I went to Wyoming's house to hang out with her and Dayton.
By Sunday I was starting to feel the panic of having to go back to college come back. I woke up at 7:45 with a panic attack. It passed, I went back to sleep, then went to Wyoming's. She threw me a party with plenty of Dew and a beautiful cake. Then we went mini golfing (slash bowling, hockey, pool, soccer).
So this past weekend was amazing. I was able to come back to school with a better and healthier sense of self and while I am far from perfect, I at least am able to take the occasionally deep breath and even relax, once in a blue moon!
I'll try to write more in the coming days, but really I'm just trying to hold it all together for the next six weeks until I can get home with grades good enough that I can transfer to my new college without drama.
Some things coming up in the next few weeks:
The birthday of my brother, whose gonna be 16. Woah!
A tour of a local Museum for a project. I <3 museums
NYC Picnic! Woot!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Boys
The pros of hanging out with guys:
- The movie choices are infinitely better
- No one cries when everyone hangs out.
- I don't feel the need to wear eyeliner to go out with them.
- They hold doors for you, like hardcore. Its adorable.
- You can poke, prod, pull their hair, kick, and tickle them all you want, just so long as Resident Evil V is on the TV screen and there's a remote control in their hands. (Depending on the group, this may also work with Halo, DBZ, or Kiera Knightly).
- Guys usually listen to great music, and sometimes, if you're really nice, they'll let you pick the tunes for the evening! (I am particularly blessed, because the guys I know actually let me play the occasional show tune).
- They tell each other when they smell. Seriously, how great is that?
- Free flow of sarcasm.
- When you mention some sort of change (like weight loss or a haircut) they'll often jump in and comment on said change, even if they probably had no idea or couldn't tell.
Granted, I may just be really, really lucky and know some really awesome guys! I've been lucky in that I've been able to hang out with almost everyone four or five times over break (illness aside).
- The movie choices are infinitely better
- No one cries when everyone hangs out.
- I don't feel the need to wear eyeliner to go out with them.
- They hold doors for you, like hardcore. Its adorable.
- You can poke, prod, pull their hair, kick, and tickle them all you want, just so long as Resident Evil V is on the TV screen and there's a remote control in their hands. (Depending on the group, this may also work with Halo, DBZ, or Kiera Knightly).
- Guys usually listen to great music, and sometimes, if you're really nice, they'll let you pick the tunes for the evening! (I am particularly blessed, because the guys I know actually let me play the occasional show tune).
- They tell each other when they smell. Seriously, how great is that?
- Free flow of sarcasm.
- When you mention some sort of change (like weight loss or a haircut) they'll often jump in and comment on said change, even if they probably had no idea or couldn't tell.
Granted, I may just be really, really lucky and know some really awesome guys! I've been lucky in that I've been able to hang out with almost everyone four or five times over break (illness aside).
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Today
Illness aside, I'm trying to have a semi-normal Spring break. Its been kind of hard to do, because of various reasons, but I'm trying. Since I don't actually know whats wrong with me its sort of being taken on a day-by-day basis. Today I woke up not feeling so great, a sentiment which maintained itself all through the afternoon and clear into the nighttime. But I had a quadruple semi-birthday celebration tonight with some of my guy friends. It was basically an excuse to order some Chinese food and eat cake, which we took advantage of. Then we got bored and went to Walmart, because when you live in Jersey nothing is open on Sundays past nine, except for Walmart. So we squeezed into a car and drove over, and we spent an hour and a half wandering the shelves. Unfortunately I was kinda shaky because I drank an extraordinary amount of black coffee on an empty stomach this afternoon, and my ability to function was somewhat diminished. Eventually we left (me in a very dizzy, giggly form of exhaustion) and we all went our seperate ways around 11. But because I really can't tell if I'm gonna feel well enough to see other people during the week I ended up stumbling over to Wyoming's house and watching The Office with her and Dayton for a few hours. She gave me the best, nearly inappropriate birthday card which made me giggle. I love my Birthday, even though its not for another two weeks.
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